Trump Wants to Control Voting, ICE Backs Off in Minnesota & Epstein Redactions Protecting Creeps

We are beaming to you from beautiful Los Angeles, California, home of the 2028 Summer Olympic Games. We're having the Olympics here, Guillermo, you know that, right?

Yes, Jimmy, I'm happy.

But that's the next Olympics. We still have one to get through and in Milano, Italy, the Winter Olympics are officially underway as of tonight. Who's ready for two weeks of trying to figure out the difference between the Bobsled and the Luge, huh?

They should just call the Luge ass sledding. It would save a lot of

The United States sent 232 athletes, each of whom has the chance to win a gold medal that could one day be worn around the president's flabby neck. It's very exciting. Sadly, we're not legally permitted to share any footage from the events because they are on NBC and I guess NBC paid for them, but we can show you dogs. In New York last night,

They had the 150th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. This has been going on since 1876. It is a quirky but wholesome American tradition, and we happen to have another quirky but wholesome American tradition. Every year since, uh, I don't know, maybe 2010, we've been using cutting edge green screen technology to remove the dogs from the Westminster Dog Show. And here's what that looks like for 2026.

It's great. There's very little cleanup. I like it better. The top dog this year was an underdog dog, a female named Penny, who beat out more than 2,000 other canines and three ugly human beings.

The 42nd female for Best in Show and first Doberman since 1989.

Well, shouldn't it be technically Doberwoman if it is a female? I don't know. A Doberman Pinscher to me seems like an odd choice with the country careening into fascism right now. I mean, I'm sure Penny is very sweet, cute dog, but like when Mr. Burns says, release the hounds,

that dog is what comes running out.

In Minneapolis, human Doberman Tom Homan today announced that the government is finally backing off a little, pulling back on agents of ICE.

Given this increase in unprecedented collaboration, and as a result of the need for less law enforcement officers to do this work in a safer environment, I have announced effective immediately, we will draw down 700 people effective today.

Very good. All right. Now only 2,000 more to go. It's never in my lifetime did I imagine that that we'd be celebrating a troop withdrawal from Minnesota, but 700 agents, as we speak, are packing up their 48 waist, 28 inseam Carhartt pants and their triple XL Punisher T-shirts and heading home. Get ready, 700 moms of ICE agents. Your boys are coming back to the basement.

Even Donald Trump admitted today that his administration could use a quote softer touch when it comes to immigration. That way these guys can save their energy for when they help him strong arm the midterms. The midterm elections are nine months away and it's become very clear that Trump is going to do anything he can to tip the scales. Trump has called for Republicans to nationalize voting and take over in about 15 states. In the house, squeaker Mike Johnson is pushing something called the Save Act, which would require a passport or a birth certificate when you register to vote to make it as difficult as possible for people to vote. And the greasiest, sloppiest Magateer of all of them, Steve Bannon, is now openly calling for armed ICE agents outside the polls on election day.

You're damn right. We're gonna have ICE surround the polls come November. We're not gonna sit here and allow you to steal the country again.

That's right. The guy who went to prison, the guy who pled guilty to swindling the very dumbest Trumpers out of money to build the wall, which I can only assume he spent on sausage McMuffins and pork rinds. The man who's all over the Epstein files is not gonna allow Democrats to steal the country. Remember when Trump promised we wouldn't ever have to vote again if he got reelected? It seems to be the one promise that he intends to keep. Uh, speaking of rigged outcomes, the Melania documentary, now allegedly, allegedly, they exceeded box office expectations. They had the best opening for a non-musical documentary in 10 years, which I think is a fancy way of saying it only lost tens of millions of dollars. A lot of people, myself included, have been wondering how this movie managed to sell $7 million worth of tickets last week. And almost every theater seemed to be empty leading up to the release. Well, there are reports now suggesting that those beautiful box office numbers may have been boosted by bulk ticket purchases that were handed out to people for free.

And if you don't believe this is the kind of thing they would do, you may be forgetting that back in 2019, the Republican National Committee bought $100,000 worth of Don Jr.'s book to put in swag bags to make it a New York Times bestseller. Don Jr.'s book debuted number one on the New York Times bestseller list, despite the fact that no one has ever read it. No one is, no one has ever even opened that book. It's

It might be filled with blank pages. We will never know. Sources say there were signs that blocks of tickets to Melania were purchased and then distributed to Republican activists and senior citizens homes, which are really the same thing. And but imagine those poor senior citizens. Good morning, Mrs. Greenwald. Here your your heart pills and here your your liver pills and uh, here's a pair of tickets to Melania. Now to be fair, some people actually did go to see the movie, including this group who call themselves the Church Ladies. The rest of us call them the Dumb as a Rock Cats, but they call themselves, they look like they've dressed up as a group of redacted documents from the Epstein file. Right? It's all very sus, as the as the kids like to say. Do the kids still say sus?

Yeah.

As of tonight, Melania has a score of 5% on Rotten Tomatoes from the critics. That is very low. To put that in perspective, that is 1% lower than Gigli.

Okay. But that's just what the loser and hater critics had to say. The audience score for Melania is 99% positive, which is 1% higher than The Godfather.

And I'm sure Donald J. Corleone had nothing to do with that at all. We need to get to the bottom of this. Send in Tulsi Gabbard and the FBI. Seize the ticket machines, the popcorn buckets, the box office receipts at every multiplex in America. Jeff Bezos, who paid for that garbage, just laid off hundreds of journalists at the Washington Post. I guess he spent all the budget on Melania. Well, well done, Jeff. And then we have our future first lady, the next Mrs. Donald Trump, Nicki Minaj, who sat down with Stephen Miller's wife to talk about how her support for Trump might one day express itself in her music.

Is any of this kind of, I don't want to say change, but this evolution of Nicki Minaj going to be represented in new music that you may publish?

Yes.

Okay. So what you're saying is things could get worse because maybe we'll finally get a collab between Nicki Minaj and Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick. That would be Howard Lutnick seemed to have a very chummy relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, which is the opposite of how he described their relationship. His name appears in the files 137 times, but Trump doesn't care. He said yesterday, I think it's time for the country to get on to something else. FBI Director Kash Patel, that uh, that bug-eyed little toilet frog is making the rounds with friendly conservative media outlets right now to whitewash his participation in this. In September of last year, Kash Patel claimed there was no credible information that Epstein trafficked minors to others.

Do you have regrets about how it's been handled? Look, like any other hot topic issue, the American public and the world had a great interest in this. And what we did under President Trump's leadership is produced the most transparent DOJ and FBI in history.

Oh, yeah. Look at the emails. You can see how transparent they are. Like, look at this email. It says, thank you for a fun night. Your littlest girl was a little naughty.

Oh, oh, there's it's blacked out. Oh, this one says, I can't take it anymore. I just saw the most beautiful little girl on Madison with long soft blonde hair. Oh, that name is black. Both the names are completely blacked out.

Why are those names blacked out? I mean, that's really the only question you need to ask. Maybe there's a good reason. I don't know. I get that people, probably a lot of people's names are in there, didn't do anything criminal, but why are the names on those emails blacked out? Is it possible that Kash Patel doesn't know what the word transparency means? Maybe he's confusing it with opaque. Guillermo, will you get an answer on this for me, please?

Yeah, sure, I will.

Okay, thank you. You know, it was very warm here today. Uh, the high in New York today, 30 degrees. In LA, it was 88 degrees. It even, I'm not sure we should be happy about the end of the world, but it's nice. In Florida, the winter weather is even having a strange effect on our strangest state, um, and it is hitting the iguana population especially hard, as seen in tonight's lizard edition of This Week in Florida.

Jessica, tell us, what is happening? Why are these iguanas frozen? Right. Of course, iguanas are cold-blooded animals, so as soon as it gets to freezing, we end up having iguanas fall out of trees here in South Florida. What do you do with them after you pick up all of these all around the city? Well, of course, we contact our Trinidadian friends and all the people that like to eat iguanas. So a lot of different cultures eat iguanas, and they eat the eggs, and they eat the legs, and they eat the tail. So this is easy snacks falling out the trees this morning.

Seems very upbeat. I love how easily Florida could turn a like a biblical sized climate change event into a snack. Speaking of snacks, the Super Bowl's on Sunday, and uh, of course, Super Bowl, of course, is traditionally one of the biggest days for junk food and that whatnot, but that was before the Trump administration made America healthy again. And tonight, we have a special guest tonight to share some smarter Super Bowl snack options. And I would love you to help me welcome him. Please welcome our Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Jr.

Oh, hi there, Bob.

Hey, I'm just getting in a quick workout.

Okay. All right. Thank you for being here. I'm I know how uh, busy you've been rebooting measles, so we're really happy to have you here.

You're welcome. I'm happy to say the measles is back. Amen.

Yeah. So, uh, all right, let's do this. What are you eating during game day weekend?

Healthy alternatives.

Uh-huh. Do you like potato chips?

I love potato chips. I've, yes. Well, potato chips are poison. That's how Lizzo died.

Lizzo's not dead. Wait a minute. That's not true at all. That has, that has no basis in fact. I'm pretty sure it's accurate. No, it's not. Listen, instead of greasy chips,

I reach for a handful of these, baby carrots.

All right. Okay. That's a good tip. All right.

You know, people are always asking me and always wondering, where do baby carrots come from? They're asking you that question. Oh, all the time. And the answer is simple. To get a baby carrot, you have to

an adult grown up carrot.

Okay. Maybe not a great idea to do that around the snacks, huh?

No, baby.

Uh-huh. We now know how baby carrots are made. What about wings? You gotta have wings at the Super Bowl.

Absolutely. You have to have wings, but chicken wings are high in trans fats. And President Trump doesn't allow trans of any kind.

Especially not the fat ones.

So, if you're gonna have wings, do it like I do. Eat bat wings.

Bat wings. No, wait, what kind of bats are these?

Fruit bats. That means they also give you a full serving of fruit.

That can't possibly be true.

I didn't go through eight years of medical school to be second guessed by some dirty vaccinated Italian. Okay, now, while Jimmy is stuffing this puppy with breadcrumbs, I'm gonna teach you

I've heard.

Well, this year, halftime is very controversial. Bad Bunny, you know, he's a Mexican.

He no, he is not a Mexican. He is Puerto Rican.

Oh, whatever he is, the president doesn't like it. So in my house, everyone loves the puppy bowl. Oh, you watch the puppy bowl.

No, we don't watch it. We eat it.

You roast that little bat for a few hours. The puppy meat falls right off of the bone.

Okay, now, while Jimmy is stuffing this puppy with breadcrumbs, I'm gonna teach you, I am not stuffing this puppy with breadcrumbs. I am gonna take this puppy away from you.

Oh, look. Jimmy Hollywood is worried about carbohydrates.

You know, I think our time is up.

Guillermo, would you please escort the secretary to his cyber truck?

What?

Oh, no, it's Bad Bunny. Yeah, no, it's not Bad Bunny.

Get off of me.

Let's go. For more recipes, go to my website, roadkillforme.com.

Thank you, Mr. Secretary.

Backslash, eat guts. Robert Kennedy Jr. Jr.

Thank you, Mr. Secretary.

Go, bats, go.

Robert Kennedy Jr. Jr. We have a good show tonight. Michael Irvin is here.

And we'll be right back with Kate Hudson.