The best and worst romance mechanics for D&D

Let's face it, role-playing romance can be a little awkward.

That's the main thing that stopped me from doing it much in my own D&D games.

I'm not one of those people who's comfortable flirting with the homies; I can barely flirt with my own husband without regressing into a giggling teenager.

But I am interested in romance as part of a D&D game's story, so lately I've been wondering, could applying game mechanics to romance make it feel less awkward, or would it just make it worse?

To figure out the answer, I dug up all the romance mechanics for D&D that I could find, and today we're going to go through them.

Why would I want romance in my game?

But how do we make sure everyone's comfortable?

The idea of role-playing flirting makes you want to throw up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, everybody take a breath; I know romance in tabletop games can be a fraught topic.

There's a lot to cover, like how to set boundaries with your group and what to do if not everyone wants to get lovey-dovey with their role-play.

Well, good news, I already made a whole video about that; instead of wasting time repeating myself, I'll link it in the cards and the description.

I'm not saying you have to watch it before you watch this one, but I am saying that you're not legally allowed to tell me that I left something out if you haven't seen it, so, lawyer up, buddy.

Grumble, grumble.

I'll see you in court.

Okay, let's get into it; I was surprised to find that while there are tons of other game systems with romance mechanics, there are very few rule sets that are built to be added into Fifth Edition D&D.

I found four that are D&D specific, although one of them isn't really game mechanics, and one is less about romance and more about, you know, hanky-panky.

Roll into hit that AC.

Taking your immovable rod into the Underdark.

I have so many more of those, but I'm practicing restraint.

Ooh, gaining proficiency with that long sword.

Sorry, I'm done.

Anyway, if you know of any D&D romance supplements that I missed, please share the love in the comments.

Let's start with, as far as I've found, the only official D&D romance mechanic.

It's an optional rule in Strixhaven, which is a magic school campaign.

But if you've read or played Strixhaven and still don't know what I'm talking about, I don't blame you; I too barely remember what I learned in school.

Except for how to draw that cool-looking S, that's burned into my brain for life.

It's just three paragraphs at the end of the section about relationships, which is mainly focused on friendships and rivalries; there's a whole collection of student NPCs that you can befriend or antagonize along the way by gaining or losing a new resource called relationship points; once you have two relationship points with an NPC, you have the option to shoot your shot and become beloved.

When you have a beloved, you wake up every morning with beloved inspiration, which is just like heroic inspiration, but probably with hearts over the eyes.

Oh, and unlike heroic inspiration, you can get more than one at a time if you have more than one beloved, but to prevent polyamorous min-maxing, I guess, you could only have as many beloveds as your proficiency bonus.

You only have one beloved?

Skill issue.

This mechanic is obviously super simple; it's basically just renown for relationships, and it gives you access to a little extra inspiration.

It's like, oh, you've got a girlfriend?

Nice.

Here's a gold star; the upside of a simple system is that it's very easy to add into your game without being disruptive or pulling too much focus.

The downside is just that it's only going to have any depth if you provide it through role-play.

As written, the bar for gaining a beloved is shockingly low; you only have to interact with someone twice before asking them out, and there's no real metric for how that interaction has to go in order to gain a relationship point, as long as it's friendly.

So, you could walk up to an NPC and say, hey, can I borrow your notes from Potions Lab yesterday, I had a dentalmancer's appointment?

And as long as they say, sure, here you go.

You're halfway to besties already.

You can break up with your beloved anytime, but the only way to get dumped is to piss them off so much that you lose all your relationship points with them.

So, you could ask someone out and then never speak to them again, and they'll keep giving you inspiration every day forever; I mean, that's how I do it.

I married Josh and I've been avoiding him ever since.

You can't have conflict if you don't interact.

Life hack.

Now, obviously, all of this is up to DM discretion; I'm sure there are plenty of game masters who would only award relationship points for meaningful interactions, and who would start deducting points if you tried rolling stealth whenever you spotted your beloved in the hallways.

But I don't love praising mechanics that are only good if a DM improves on them.

As written, I just find this pretty underwhelming.

If your party is only a little interested in romance and prefers it to be mostly off-screen, then this might be all you need.

But if you play with people who are serious about wanting to include romance as part of the story, I just think they'll be kind of Shania Twain about this.

You know, it won't impress them much.

Believe it or not, that's all I could find as far as official D&D content goes.

But as with every other aspect of the game, homebrewers are always prepared to pick up the slack.

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Now, I'm just going to get back to being completely normal about my NPCs.

Next up, we're taking a look at Hearts and Arrows by Morgan Davey.

This is a DM Guild supplement, and it is the most comprehensive set of romance mechanics I could find.

Like, if Strixhaven scraped by with a passing grade, this was clearly written by the class overachiever.

Morgan's thesis here is that love is not something you can control, or dare I say, optimize.

Hearts and Arrows introduces a new resource called Spark.

Spark works a lot like inspiration; you can spend it for advantage or to redo a roll.

But instead of being rewarded for heroism, you get it for having feelings.

It's similar to Strixhaven's beloved inspiration, but you can only have one at a time.

And you don't have to already be in a relationship to get it.

Anytime your character has a meaningful romantic experience, you can gain Spark.

And importantly, that includes bad experiences, like heartbreak.

So, maybe they're just not that into you, but at least you get a little consolation prize.

Since in these rules, attraction is something that either happens to you or doesn't.

You'll be rolling saving throws to see if your attraction grows or if you get the ick.

It's a little like death saves, because the result is only determined once you've collected three successes or three failures.

If you succeed, you gain one of three new conditions, the enamored condition.

When you're enamored, you have certain effects, including being charmed by the person.

And once per day, you can gain Spark by helping them.

This is the I do anything for you phase.

From there, you and your partner can mutually upgrade to pledged.

Now you're no longer charmed, because the honeymoon phase has worn off.

But you both gain Spark when you intentionally spend time connecting.

You can also give your Spark to your partner by reminding them of your pledge.

Like sharing a passionate kiss, or having a heart-to-heart about your commitment.

Or shoving them and yelling, I'm not a witch, I'm your wife.

There's one last condition, and it isn't necessarily part of this enamored to pledged pipeline.

It's called crushing, and it comes with pros and cons.

On the upside, you gain Spark basically anytime your crush acknowledges your existence.

Eye contact, Spark.

They remember your name, Spark.

They ask you what day it is.

October 3rd.

On the downside, you're charmed by them, and your perception is impaired whenever they're nearby.

Because, honestly, hot people are distracting.

One of the key concepts behind this supplement is that romance rules are always opt-in.

So, if anybody's not having fun with these rules, they can stop using them anytime.

But if you're on board, getting over a crush is intentionally hard.

You can make a wisdom save to try and snap out of it, and if you fail, you're not allowed to try again for 1d6 days.

So, if the dice say you're down bad, you are contractually down bad.

That's one of the reasons I suggest always carrying a sword.

For when you got to end a crush fast.

This supplement is 26 pages, and it uses every single one of them.

There are guidelines for charisma checks while flirting, including how to set DCs and interpret results.

There's a whole structure for running a date like an encounter, complete with different rolls to see how it goes.

There's even a table to randomly determine a character's type.

I tried it out, and mine is apparently robust, older, and tentacled.

So, call me, Davy Jones.

There's also a section at the end with guidance for DMs, as well as some variant rules for things like faded love or cursed love.

Honestly, I really liked this one; it's not too complicated, but it has enough meat on its bones that I think it would actually be an interesting addition to a game.

And as someone who enjoys the will-they-won't-they part of love stories way more than the tidy happily ever after.

I love that the dice can introduce uncertainty.

If I know a romance plot line is guaranteed to work out perfectly, I am way less interested.

I want tension.

I want longing.

I want to look at my character sheet and think, wow.

The math says this is really going to hurt.

Next, we're going to look at a pair of DM's Guild supplements that may or may not actually count as romance mechanics.

I say that because right out of the gate, the author warns against romance meter systems, where you earn points and win love as a reward.

There are two camps on this.

People who enjoy having mechanics for romance, and people who think representing love as a punch card is a little morally suspect.

Don't worry, we'll take a little trail ride on that discourse later.

For now, let's talk about The Lover's Handbook and The Lover's Guidebook, both by Ashley May.

The Lover's Handbook is for DMs, and it is a hefty 34 pages long.

It's illustrated with a collection of saucy romantic stock photos that have been run through posterization filters and a Gaussian blur, which I genuinely adore.

This is now my go-to example when people insist there is no way to illustrate a supplement on a budget without using AI.

What do you guys think we were doing like five years ago?

This book is all about building romanceable NPCs and romance-focused plot lines.

Instead of game rules and rolling tables like in the last supplement, this one reads more like a workbook.

It walks through the basics of player consent and setting boundaries.

And then lays out a whole buffet of romance tropes and story ideas.

We've got everything from forbidden love to sexy villains.

And if your table doesn't want a sexy villain.

Listen, there's no wrong way to play D&D, but that's getting dangerously close.

I was honestly impressed by how much ground this thing covers.

The author talks about everything from abusive relationships to how beauty standards might vary from species to species.

One thing I noticed in the reviews is that a lot of people said they normally don't include romance in their games, but this book gave them a lot of ideas on how they could.

That said, there were some parts I didn't love.

Like the page that spends nine paragraphs explaining why evolutionary biology makes men like T&A, but then calls the reader horrible if they want to objectify men.

I'm sorry, but if you're going to literally provide a vocab list on how to talk about women's bodies with words like buxom and voluptuous.

I'm going to side-eye you a little when you follow that with a lecture on how the barbarian's bulging codpiece isn't the most enticing thing about him.

You pig.

The companion supplement is The Lover's Guidebook, which is aimed at players and is much shorter.

This one is basically a crash course in how to role-play romance, both in character and at the table.

Without making things weird.

Or at least without making things weird on accident.

Even though I don't agree with everything in these books, I do think they're a solid entry point for people who are nervous about romance in their games.

If Hearts and Arrows was for people who already know exactly what kind of yearning they want and just need mechanics to support it.

These feel like they're for people who don't know what they want yet.

To put it bluntly, this is a supplement for somebody who's never written fanfiction.

And despite the author being very anti-romance mechanics, I actually think these would work pretty well alongside mechanics.

Especially if you're worried that adding rules will make romantic role-play two-dimensional or unrealistic.

Our last supplement is also from DM's Guild, and I'll just start by acknowledging that this one is not about romance.

This is about one-night stands.

But before you yell at me for comparing this to supplements about love and longing, hear me out.

First, a lot of tables are way more likely to play a sexual encounter for laughs than they are to commit to a full romance arc.

And second.

Listen.

It was slim pickings out there.

For a game with this many horny bard jokes, I expected more options.

Anyway, this is a really brief one-page supplement called Quick and Dirty Seduction.

The author, Dark Abyss Keeper, has over 50 titles on DM's Guild, all under $2.

He has a whole series of these quick and dirty rules, potions, thievery, stuff like that.

Which are basically fast, no-frills mechanics for common situations.

This one is very much presented as how to give your horny bard what they want.

Mechanically, this is all about seducing NPCs.

It starts with a charisma check to get someone's attention, and then you make an ability check plus persuasion to see if you're their type.

So, if the NPC likes beefy partners, you might roll strength persuasion.

If that all goes well, you enter the fade-to-black section, which is not actually a fade-to-black.

Because the DM then calls for three random ability checks to determine how well you perform at whatever is happening in that darkness.

You're encouraged not to explain why you are calling for these specific checks.

So, the table can just sit there and connect the dots in real time.

One suggested example is charisma, sleight of hand, intelligence, cooking utensils, and then a ranged weapon attack.

I do have questions.

But I would prefer not to get answers.

Based on their successes and failures, players may or may not get what they wanted out of this interaction.

Such as companionship, or gossip, or reputation.

I want to be clear.

I understand the intent here.

This is a silly, light-hearted rule set meant for tables that already treat seduction as a joke.

The whole point is for everyone to laugh at the horny bard.

Whether you fail or succeed at those fade-to-black ability checks.

Get ready for the party to mock you mercilessly about it for the rest of the campaign.

I'm not pretending these mechanics should be compared to the romance systems that we have already talked about.

This is a totally different lane.

But that lane is a very classic seduce the barmaid style of play, which means it comes with the classic problems.

NPCs here have basically zero agency beyond having a type, and even that is something you're talking them into.

The supplement uses the phrase willing partner.

But it's implied that that willingness is something that you achieve through being persuasive enough.

Which is obviously not great.

I don't have to explain why that's not great, right?

We all get it.

I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing the author here.

Because, honestly, I can tell that they're genuinely trying to make a traditionally sketchy bit of play more fun and harmless.

They point out that heroes don't act like pickup artists.

They use varied pronouns, they acknowledge that not everyone is comfortable with explicit sexual content at the table.

But in the end, I just don't think I can recommend this one.

Not to sound like a total killjoy, but if you're so unprepared for romantic or sexual role-play.

That you can't even improvise the kind of stuff that's written here.

Then I'm a little worried about whether or not you're mature enough to role-play it at all.

You know what?

It was 50 cents.

So, who am I to complain?

The big question remains, romance mechanics.

Good or bad?

And unfortunately, the answer is, it depends.

Which is both the least satisfying answer and also usually the correct one.

So, let's take a look at both sides.

People who are against romance mechanics tend to point to a few recurring problems.

First, a lot of systems treat romance as transactional.

This comes up all the time with video game romances, too.

The idea that if you complete the correct quests or give the correct gifts, a character will inevitably fall in love with you.

To quote a viral Tumblr post that is often incorrectly and, might I say, hilariously attributed to Sylvia Plath.

Girls are not machines that you put kindness coins into until sex falls out.

Another big concern is that romance mechanics can be used to make other players uncomfortable.

Or worse, as a way to flirt with someone above table while pretending that it's just role-play.

And when mechanics are involved, they can act as a shield.

Making it harder for someone to say, hey, this is weird.

Please stop.

And of course, we've seen that when romance mechanics aren't written thoughtfully, they can reinforce some really troubling ideas about consent.

Romantic interests turn into two-dimensional objects that exist only to be seduced.

Which, let's be real, is how some actual people view others in real life.

But there are arguments in favor of romance mechanics, too.

For one thing, it's basically game design 101 that mechanics communicate importance.

If something has rules, the game is telling you, hey, this matters.

And it encourages players to engage with it.

To quote some guy named Chris on RPG Net, literally 15 years ago.

If your game only rewards fighting monsters, players will focus on fighting monsters.

If you reward falling in love, players will do that too.

You're so right for that, Chris.

If romance is something that you and your players want to include as a theme in your games.

Adding mechanics for it is a great way to encourage it.

I also found it interesting that writer Ashley May, who seems to be opposed to romance mechanics.

Also warns DMs about the importance of maintaining appropriate distance in order to avoid awkward situations.

Like catching feelings or making a player uncomfortable.

Because that's actually an area where mechanics can be a useful tool.

There's an indie game called Thirsty Sword Lesbians that includes game mechanics around romance.

Probably could have guessed that from the title.

Anyway, the rulebook points out that, quote, the game mechanics are always available if you find yourself in an emotional role-playing moment.

And need some distance from embodying your character's feelings.

Personally, I don't land super hard on either side.

I fully see the risks; I have zero doubt that at the wrong table.

Romance mechanics can cause real harm.

But also, despite everything, I still believe in the human ability to think about things critically and complexly.

I love Stardew Valley, and also, I am aware that you cannot expect to give a real person 14 daffodils and end up with a girlfriend.

Ultimately, this isn't for me to decide for you.

I don't think either choice is inherently right or wrong.

There are a million ways to play D&D, and the most important thing is that you're playing it in a way that's fun and respectful and safe for you and your friends.

Which is why conversations about what your table wants are so important.

Friendly reminder that I talk about that at length in my previous video about D&D romance.

These conversations are complicated.

People bring their own histories and fears and even trauma to the table.

You're not wrong for being sensitive to a shitty portrayal of romance in your game.

And you're also not wrong for wanting to roll for yearning.

Of course, the romanceable elephant in the room is that D&D isn't built for romance.

And a lot of games are.

The constant complaint about D&D players is that we are always trying to reshape D&D into something else.

Instead of just playing a game that already does what we want.

There are so many indie games with romance as a central feature that any list I tried to read off in this video is going to be missing a ton of great options.

So, I'd rather ask you guys, what is your favorite game system that includes romance?

Let's turn the comment section into a library of game recommendations.

And if you see someone talking about a game you like, give them a thumbs up so that they rise to the top.

All right, I got to go give Josh his daily daffodil.

That's the secret to a strong marriage.