The Power of Saying No | A Story That Will Change Your … — Transcript

I want you to imagine real quickly

that you're at your own funeral.

And everyone's gathered around to talk about your life.

I want you to ask yourself,

what are they saying?

Were they saying that you were a good person, but you never really made anything out of your life?

Were they saying that you never really seemed to really truly feel happy because you always gave every bit of yourself to everyone else?

Are they saying that you never really lived out your true purpose?

Or are they saying that you lived an amazing life,

on purpose, with clarity, and that you were driven to make something out of this life, to make the most out of your life?

What are they saying?

If there's a part of you that feels like it would be the first situation and not the second situation, it might be because you've been living for everybody else, and you're not in alignment with your true self and with your true purpose.

And if that's the case, then something's not right. We need to correct that.

And it starts with the powerful word, no.

And that's what we're going to dive into today.

So, let's dive in.

When it comes to saying no, most people think that their problem with saying no is a time management issue. Like I always hear people say like, I need to say no because I'm running out of time in my schedule. And then when you dive deeper into it, you realize, oh, no, no, no, this is, when you get to the roots of it, this is an actual core issue.

You have a boundary issue.

You have a clarity issue.

You have a purpose issue.

You know, you can't protect your time if you don't know what you're trying to protect it for. Otherwise, you're just going to give your time out to everybody.

And so what I want to dive into is really the psychology behind why you don't say no, why you need to say no. I want to talk about the identity and how your identity shifts through it. I really want to dive into a lot of childhood patterns that have made you who you are, and then I want to talk about the purpose that you're creating in your life and why you need to say no. So, first off, I think the easiest place to start is is why we struggle saying no.

Now, I want you to understand this, you weren't born afraid of saying no.

You weren't.

Like, have you ever hung out with a toddler before?

They have no problem saying no.

They are actually, in fact, the best people in the world at saying no.

They have no problem standing up and fighting for what they want.

Like fighting for their truth.

So, what happened to you?

Think about that for a second.

Some fear was taught into you at some point in time.

Through modeling people, like modeling what your parents did,

or what you were praised for,

or what you were punished for,

and everything in between all of that.

And somewhere along the line of you growing up, you were a toddler who had no problem saying no,

to somebody who learned that saying no was dangerous.

You learned, I guess you could say, somewhere along the lines that you, if you said no, it made you less lovable.

Or less accepted in some way.

You learned that saying yes was more important than saying no.

You learned that saying yes kept you safe and it made you accepted by other people.

And it made you made you loved and it made you needed.

And it kept you in the good graces of your parents or your grandparents or whoever else raised you.

And so what happened was you learned who you needed to be and what you needed to do in order to fit in with your familial unit and then also everybody else around you.

And so when you think about this, because of this, you internalized the belief that your needs were secondary.

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And let's get back to the episode.

Or you were actually taught, like I know a lot of people, that what you wanted and wanting something for yourself was selfish.

And that you need to actually put your needs aside in order to actually do what everybody else is doing.

Pause for a second.

Does that hit home in any sort of way?

You have to realize that your nervous system over time from from childhood until probably about 10 years old,

your nervous system started associating saying no to people with danger.

It's dangerous because it gets me kicked out of the tribe or because my mom doesn't love me as much,

because I don't get acceptance.

Or maybe I'm rejected in some sort of way or I feel isolated.

Like you're not consciously thinking this as a child,

but all of this is going into your subconscious, which is I need to be accepted, I need to be loved, and I need the parental connection.

So I will do whatever it is that I can do in order to get that parental connection.

That's what we're all doing.

This wasn't just you.

This is everybody.

This is what every child does.

And so, you didn't want to be disconnected from your parents.

So you learned just to say yes.

Because you got what you needed, which was love and which was acceptance,

and which was parental connection.

And so what you accidentally did, and don't worry, we all do this in some sort of way, you learned that your needs did not matter.

And so now you're an adult and you're sitting there,

and you're like, I want to say no, but every time I start to say no, like my body flinches,

when I want to stand up for my own truth.

And it still feels dangerous inside of your body just to say no.

Even if, think about this, even if the logic of saying no makes complete sense,

your inner child, that part of you inside, still panics.

And so what happens is because of that panic, you just go back into old patterns.

You just go to what's comfortable and what's easy.

You go into an old pattern, you ignore your true feelings,

and then you say yes when you should have said no.

And that is why it's so hard to stop saying no and why why we've been kind of taught to say yes.

And so when you really dive into it, the reasons why you keep saying yes are a couple different fears that kind of work in tandem here.

The first thing that that's really, really common for people is the fear of disappointing other people.

Like we all know, and if you've listened to the podcast for a while, you know that humans are wired for connection.

We want to be connected, and as a child, the most important thing

is that one-on-one connection with each parent.

If you are, you know, raised that way and you're raised to learn that you need to be quiet or you need to do what everybody else says or you need to fit in,

then saying no can actually feel like a real threat to your connection.

And so we unconsciously fear, like, I don't want to be abandoned, so then I'm just going to give up my true self.

Another fear that comes up is like, people pleasing and and, you know,

having people kick us out of the tribe, so we become a people pleaser,

because it becomes a strategy.

Like if I keep you happy, you stay around.

And that's what I want.

But it can also be like guilt conditioning, too.

Like I know many people who I've talked to that said like their parents said that, you know, it's it's selfish to want anything for yourself.

It's selfish to want something outside of what the family wants.

It's selfish to do something other than what I say you're supposed to be doing.

You know, so especially if you believe that you're, you know, your real value was in service to other people.

And so you might avoid saying yes because it's rude or because it's selfish or because it's ungrateful.

But I want you to understand this.

You betray yourself to protect others from a moment of discomfort.

When you say yes, when you should say no.

Like you betray yourself.

And I'm sorry to say it, but some people listening have betrayed themselves hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times.

So that's why I wanted to say and why I started this conversation with saying, this isn't just like a time management conversation.

It goes much, much, much deeper than just that.

How do we heal from this?

Like what do we need to do first?

The real problem here isn't your inability to say no.

It's really an absence of like a guiding yes.

And let me explain what I mean by that.

You need something to guide the direction of your life.

Like most people are just kind of floating around with no clear direction.

It's just like being on a boat in the water with, you know, no rudder and no no engine.

You're just kind of like floating around and just hoping that things go well for you.

And then they get really mad when they're not where they want to be.

And it's like, well, how can you be mad where you're not where you want to be,

when you don't even have any idea where you want to be?

You know, and then you ask them like, okay, well, what do you want from your life?

And there's like no real clear answer.

So, if you don't know your destination, you'll never actually get there.

And so everybody needs something to guide their life.

And what I like to call is this is a North Star.

Like you need a North Star in your life.

It is this internal compass that lets you navigate the direction that you're heading in life,

but also navigate all of the choices that you need to make.

Because you probably make 100, 200 choices a day.

Like you need a North Star to help you navigate what you're going to say yes to, what you're going to say no to.

And when you have a North Star, it becomes the why that's behind all of your boundaries,

that's behind all of your decisions, that's behind the direction that you're going in life.

When you have a North Star, it makes it, I'm being fully honest with you.

When you really have a North Star and you know what you're here for and you know what you're trying to work towards, you know what direction you're going,

it makes it way easier to say yes to things that align with your North Star.

Then it makes it way easier to say no to things that do not align with it.

And so it's not like, oh, I'm going to say no, or I'm going to say yes to this thing because I'm afraid of what happens if I say no.

It's like, nah, I'm just going to say no to this thing because it doesn't align with my true purpose here.

It doesn't align with my North Star.

And so your North Star, sure, it can definitely be a goal of what you're trying to do with your life,

but it's also more than just a goal, like it's it's an identity.

It's a purpose, it's a standard for who the you are and what you're doing in your life and where you're going.

And 99.9% of people have no North Star of where they're going in their life.

So they're just kind of bumping around in the dark, hoping that they end up where they want to be.

Every moment of your life, every request from another person,

will filter through the filter of your North Star,

when you get really clear on what it is.

Does this line up with my North Star?

If so, easy yes.

Okay, let's do it.

Does this line up with my North Star?

Not really.

Easy no.

And it makes it so much easier to say no to stuff.

Because without it, you're just directionless, just floating around, hoping things go well.

And so you have to find your North Star.

How do you do it?

Well, let's talk about it.

Well, it's not it's not just about like finding your passion,

right, or your purpose in life.

Sure, those are important.

But I think that your purpose is not something that you find.

I think it's something that you build along the way.

And so if you're thinking like, I need to know my purpose in life,

and you're 23 years old sitting there right now, like you probably aren't going to be able to say your purpose.

But you can at least think about your North Star and the direction that you want to go,

and then build your purpose along the way.

And so I want you to understand like, ask yourself questions.

Deep questions to try to figure out where you want to be.

Questions like, you know, if I stripped away every expectation,

what would I actually want in my life?

And and start figuring what that is.

Like ask yourself questions like, when do I feel the most aligned?

When do I feel the most alive?

When do I feel the most like myself?

What are my, uh, what are my non-negotiable values?

What impact do I want to have on the people that I love?

What impact do I want to have on the world?

What would make me feel like I didn't waste my time here?

What version of myself would I be proud of 10 years from now?

If I wasn't afraid, what would I finally say no to?

And you start becoming clear on like, why the hell are you here?

What is what is it that you're trying to go towards?

Another way of doing this that would be really powerful is ask yourself the questions that I just asked you.

Write them all down if you want to.

Another exercise that's really, really powerful is journal as if you're 90 years old and you're looking back on your life.

And ask yourself the question, what did you regret not doing?

And get really clear on that. It's a really powerful exercise to basically like, I guess you could say like project yourself

into your future self and then look back and go, what would I regret not doing?

If I was on my deathbed right now, so you, I better be damn sure that I'm going to do this thing.

And then you ask yourself these questions, you start paying attention more and you start being more present in your life,

instead of being run by old patterns, and you start paying attention to what makes you feel alive.

And when your purpose is clear and it's important,

then saying yes and saying no is really easy to do.

And your no, whenever you say no to someone, can be can be clear.

It can be unapologetic because it it aligns with the highest version of what you are becoming.

And there is no reason to waste time on anything else that's not part of who you're becoming.

And so now if I understand there's there's a lot of people out there that are listening that are like, I really want to do this, but I'm a people pleaser.

Okay, people pleasers, this part's for you, right?

Um, people pleasers, this might be foreign to you.

Everything that I just been saying.

Because you've lived your entire life ignoring what you want.

Now, I want you to understand that people pleasing is not kindness.

It's not kind at all.

It's not kind to the other person.

It's not kind to you.

It is unprocessed fear dressed in politeness is what it is.

It's a childhood wound that says, I'm only loved if I'm helpful.

And it's playing out in adult form.

So you fear disappointing other people and it triggers this shame of feeling unworthy.

And so you anticipate rejection.

Right? So you like, basically preemptively betray yourself to just basically stay, you know, in control, I guess you could say.

You've been conditioned over your entire childhood and into adulthood,

to value peace in the room over peace in your body.

And so if you say no, saying no feels like a violation of your role of what you were taught in childhood.

To to be the be the good boy or to be the good girl or to be the reliable one or to be the strong one.

But the truth is, being everything for everyone is the fastest way to be nothing for yourself.

And so if you're a people pleaser, you've got to do this.

You've got to learn how to say no.

You cannot be authentic and agreeable at the same time.

Those are two opposing roles.

And so the path to your inner peace isn't being liked.

It's being aligned with yourself, in your mission, in your North Star.

And so I don't like to stop being a people pleaser, you don't have to be mean to people.

You just need to become honest with yourself.

That's what it comes down to.

And so after you figure out what your North Star is, you need to start setting some boundaries in your life.

And it's it's quite hard to set boundaries when you don't know what your North Star is.

And that's why people have such trouble setting boundaries because they don't know what their North Star is.

And so a boundary, what it is, is it's just simply clarity around what's okay,

and what's not with you.

Like healthy boundaries don't control other people, they clarify what you will accept and what you will not accept.

It's like a, a healthy boundary or boundaries is like a manual for how people can treat you.

Because you teach people how to treat you, believe it or not.

So when you say something like, hey, listen, I'm not available for that.

That's a boundary.

You say something like, if you speak to me that way again, I'm going to leave the conversation.

That's a boundary.

You're teaching people how to work with you and how to talk to you and how to treat you.

Boundaries protect your energy, not just your time.

You know, if people are offended by your boundaries, it's probably because they benefited from your lack of boundaries before.

And so you teach people how to treat you.

And so, you know, your boundaries might disappoint some people.

But it will also teach them how to be in relationship with you.

And so what you have to do is is learning how to start saying no.

And so let's talk about how to say no without burning bridges with people, right?

It doesn't need to be a massive no.

You can start small with your nose, like micro decisions you've been avoiding.

Like practice, here's the thing to help you, practice delaying your yes.

If saying no is hard for you, practice delaying your yes.

Instead of saying yes, say something like, hey, let me think about that and get back to you.

Like, that's if you're struggling saying no, that's the perfect phrase.

Just delay your yes.

Let me, hey, just let me think about that and get back to you.

It buys yourself some space to check in with your gut and not just go through a pattern of guilt.

You know?

And then you can start practicing compassionate notes.

Hey, listen, I'm really honored that you asked, but I'm really busy, so I just need to say no right now.

And then you don't need to overexplain.

Overexplaining is also a trauma response.

Hey, I'm sorry, I'm not available for that, but I wish you the best.

That's enough.

Your no doesn't require justification.

You're allowed to honor your time and energy and focus.

You know, like your no makes room for somebody else's yes that would probably do a better job than you because it's a yes for them anyways.

And so you have to start doing this and I just start doing this.

It starts becoming an identity for yourself, like standing up for yourself will start to become an identity.

Start becoming who you are.

Saying no isn't just a behavior, it's a reflection of who you believe you are.

And so every time you say no with integrity, you reinforce the belief to yourself that I matter.

And I'm just telling you right now, from from coaching many, many people, many people have unconsciously taken on the belief that I don't matter.

And when you say no to somebody for your and you say it for the purpose of yourself,

you're reinforcing the identity of I matter.

You start choosing choosing your future over everybody else's.

You start to live a life that is yours, not a life that's been conditioned into you.

And that is when your self-respect, your confidence, skyrockets.

And so my assignment for you this week is to say no one time where you would normally say yes out of guilt.

Don't apologize, don't explain, just know thank you.

Just a simple no.

From self-respect, not fear.

And then notice how your body feels afterward.

It might feel kind of uneasy.

But after a little while, you're going to start to feel a little bit more relaxed.

And that that feeling,

that's freedom.

That's you being aligned with who you are.

That's you living in alignment with what you want in the life that you're trying to build.

So, I want you to practice saying no more this week.

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