Resident Evil Retribution A Giant Plot Hole Missing Its Movie - Worst Movie Ever

Resident Evil Retribution is the Milla Jovovich mega blockbuster hit movie.

Where she showed the world that if you're still watching these, then you get what you deserve.

It starts off with time moving backwards, which gives us hope that it'll keep going to before this piece of shit was made.

But go fuck yourself, we're five movies in, you should know by now, the herpes of movie franchises isn't going away that easy.

My name is Alice.

Yeah, we know, a bunch of shit happened and then didn't happen and then re-happened, nobody fucking cares, let's just move on.

So now, the lady who stopped being in these two movies ago because we thought she had self-respect, but was actually just busy dyeing her hair.

Which is massively important during a zombie apocalypse is back.

But no time for that, because now Milla's doing that thing she does.

Where she drowns and dies and then wakes up as Taylor Swift.

Come on, babe.

Which is a little weird, but she's able to shake it off.

And the Deuce Bigalow guy's back, I'm glad there wasn't any bad blood.

And don't blame me, but they have a daughter who's deaf.

And she never misses a chance to rub that shit in.

I heard that.

Well, that makes one of you.

Then son of a bitch, he gets coffee on his shirt.

Shit.

This is the worst day ever.

Get back here!

Oh, come on, you got to let him change shirts first, or the other zombies will think he's a slob.

Luckily, his wife and kid got his back.

Just kidding.

They hide in the attic and forget he ever existed when they're sure daddy's dead.

They make a break for it.

On the plus side, it can't get any worse than this.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Motherfucker, starting now, and if you think she can't be any less likable, then fuck you.

Check out this shit, now this alpha female is showing the patriarchy.

Oh my God, that was definitely a man's fault.

But thankfully, they're okay.

I mean them, not you, that's what you get for wearing your death trap.

Oh shit.

They go inside this house, so they'll be easier to corner when she gets an idea.

They'll hide in this closet.

And when a zombie gets really close, tell her she had a good run, but it's just not working out.

She's hiding in the closet, fucking get her.

But it doesn't work, and that dick's head goes after Yova Swift.

Look what you made her do, then the stranger appears out of nowhere, and oh my God, the fuck is on your shirt.

But I guess it doesn't matter, because now she's in Japan, reliving her movies.

And I'm pretty sure this is hell.

Now she's in the Matrix, beating some Japanese ass with a chain and padlock for reasons that make more sense, the less you know.

And now she's somewhere else, when some random lady shows up.

My name is.

Nobody fucking cares, let's move this shit along.

Now the real question is.

It's got to be the dress, what the fuck is that about?

Why don't I just cancel your contract right now?

That sounds more like a question for you, and seriously, the fuck is with the dress and high heels?

We're several years into a zombie apocalypse, does she not realize this?

You can kill her if you like.

Okay, Max Headroom, but she already knew that, and that doesn't answer the dress thing.

Her orders are to recapture you if possible.

Terminate you.

If necessary, she will stop at nothing to prevent you escaping to the surface.

The reason for that is who fucking knows, he never tells us and nobody ever asks.

Race.

Fuck you, I'm not bailing you out of this one.

Now these guys show up with their magical disappearing coats.

And fight their way through security.

Who are both blind and deaf?

Because the ADA is no fucking joke, but they take a wrong turn somewhere, and son of a bitch, now they're in Moscow.

They're not even zombies, that's just how they are out there.

But they've got it easy, she has to raise a fucking kid now.

Mommy.

And just when she thinks it can't get any worse.

What happened to your clothes and your hair?

Motherfucker.

Now all the characters are played by actors from the other movies, since nobody will hire them because they played characters in the other movies.

Your problem.

Not ours.

Just wait until the Fast and the Furious is done, then it'll definitely be yours.

But she couldn't even make it into the Meg 2, so fuck you all.

Then, in a truly impressive display of incompetence that would make Steven Seagal proud, they fire thousands of rounds and hit literally everything but what they're aiming at.

Eventually, they get bored of this and just fucking leave.

So they go to the subway, and it turns out the bumper sticker lady is so insufferable that the zombies wanted nothing to do with her.

You know how to use this?

I campaigned for gun control.

Great, this is Hollywood, so being a hypocrite.

Congratulations.

Your prize, a stupid little kid.

You're going inside, you wanted me.

No, that was your real mom, who's dead right now.

She died screaming for help, you probably could have saved her.

They're still in Moscow, and at this point are just vandalizing shit.

But Russia is one of the worst places for foreigners to fuck around in.

And that guy wasn't even a foreigner.

This is one of those super zombies whose only weakness is a terrible driver.

If you're expecting her because she's Asian, then shame on you.

It's actually her, but because she's a woman.

And I know I already did that joke earlier, but they've driven twice and crashed twice, so fucking deal with it.

And this next one isn't her fault, that escalator came out of nowhere.

Now everything's going great, now everything's going.

Where'd you find these guys?

They're here to rescue her, so she went to rescue them and now has to show them how to get out with her magical glasses, now stop wasting her time with these stupid fucking questions.

Then, just as they're leaving, this guy comes back, and I guess the zombies take hostages now.

But fuck that, she don't play those games, so she shoots at the hostage out of pure principle, thank you sir, both of them were just terrible.

But motherfucker, nobody's allowed to do cool shit in these movies except for her.

What are you doing?

She's telling her husband and heads are gonna fucking roll.

Don't do this.

Nobody asked you, and what the hell's wrong with your mouth?

What are you doing?

Don't do this.

Never mind, we don't have time for this, she's got some total bullshit to get to.

Now that the Mary Sue's gone, they can stop hiding and start killing.

She went to the Steven Seagal Firearms Academy and knows pushing the guns as you fire adds a shitload of velocity to every casing from the fully sub-automatic clip, now that she's got this shit on lockdown, we'll see how she's doing.

Apparently she can fly, it just never came up before.

And they must have been doing something wrong, because she does the same shit, only this time it works.

Back to them, and now it's their turn to do the highly advanced tactic of just fucking leaving, except for this guy who stays back for no real reason.

Cease your firing, or I'll execute her.

Nice try, lady, but he has no idea who the fuck that is, so unless it's a hot Chinese girl wearing a ridiculous red dress, which is exactly his type.

Then you can eat, oh my fucking God.

He said what he said, and she'll probably do some of that ninja shit.

Never mind, he just fucking dies.

Thanks a bunch.

Now they see a bunch of CGI Millas, but no time for that, because this guy's still not dead.

He's just narcoleptic, so they fly away to safety.

While everything explodes and Moscow floods for obvious reasons.

So the day is saved, and it's all over, unless they do something really stupid.

Motherfucker.

Now they got to swap insurance, do a report, it's a whole thing.

And what a surprise.

That sub didn't stand a chance.

Told you she'd have a plan.

The old get captured and let everyone around her die, so she can get stranded in the freezing cold wearing half a dress plan.

That's classic what's her face, then we get a girl fight, which is another word for gymnastics because that's how they fight.

But it turns out she had a booby spider the whole time, we just never noticed because that's not where her eyes are.

Meanwhile, Rodriguez is sternum punching bitches during the beginning stage of intraventricular repolarization.

Which is a dick move, sometimes these things just work themselves out, and she falls through the ice and dies.

But it's not over for some fucking reason, and now they're at the White House.

You see, you've made yourself at home.

Also, we get to be a part of this, sorry bro, she's only into guys with beards and Marty McFly vests.

But not you.