**Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships | Dr. John Townsend — Transcript & Summary | SozAI**
Source: https://sozai.app/transcript/healing-parent-adult-child-relationships/

Dr. John Townsend discusses repairing estranged relationships between parents and adult children, focusing on boundaries, grace, and truth.

## Key Takeaways

- Estrangement between parents and adult children is often due to a lack of integrated truth and love.
- Repeatedly using the same unsuccessful approach can worsen alienation; new strategies are needed.
- Both parents and adult children share responsibility for relationship breakdowns.
- Healthy boundaries and honest communication are critical for repairing and maintaining relationships.
- Understanding developmental stages and cultural influences helps in addressing family conflicts.

## What the video covers

- Parents often face broken relationships with adult children due to unresolved conflicts and lack of effective communication.
- Dr. John Townsend explains the importance of integrating truth and love in family relationships to prevent estrangement.
- Cultural shifts have led to a tendency to cut off relationships when disagreements arise, worsening family divides.
- Parents may struggle with defensive hope, repeatedly trying the same approaches without success due to helplessness.
- Estrangement is usually a combination of parental and adult child behaviors and unresolved past issues.
- Adult children are in a developmental stage of 'leaving and cleaving,' which can create natural distance from parents.
- Effective repair requires honest conversations where both parties acknowledge hurts and take responsibility.
- Boundaries are essential tools for healthy relationships and are a focus of Dr. Townsend's work.
- The video emphasizes the family as a God-created institution foundational for moral and relational development.
- Listeners are encouraged to seek counseling, support, and resources like the book 'Boundaries' to help heal relationships.

## Chapters

1. 00:00 Introduction and Listener's Question
2. 02:04 About Dr. John Townsend and His Work
3. 03:54 Cultural Impact on Parent-Adult Child Relationships
4. 05:34 Challenges of Repeated Attempts to Reconnect
5. 07:15 Reasons for Estrangement and Parental Helplessness
6. 09:15 Adult Children's Developmental Stage and Distance
7. 12:26 Practical Steps Toward Reconciliation
8. 18:30 Support Resources and Closing Remarks

Answers

## Questions about this video

Why do relationships between parents and adult children often become estranged?

Estrangement often results from a lack of integrated truth and love in the relationship, cultural tendencies to avoid conflict, and unresolved past issues on both sides.

What role do boundaries play in repairing family relationships?

Boundaries help establish healthy limits and clear communication, allowing both parents and adult children to engage honestly and respectfully, which is essential for healing.

How can parents effectively approach reconciliation with estranged adult children?

Parents should initiate honest, non-defensive conversations, listen to their adult children's perspectives, acknowledge their own part in the conflict, and seek support or counseling if needed.

## Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

00:01

Speaker A

About nine months ago, she sent me an email stating that she was going to be cutting me out of her life, which she did. I've reached out to my children on various occasions, including the death of their grandmother, and there's been no response.

00:15

Speaker A

I've not spoken to my dad in two years and haven't seen my mom since last year. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to repair our relationships? Welcome to the Focus on the Family broadcast.

00:29

Speaker A

Helping families thrive. John, every family has to deal with differences and difficulties because we're fallen people. I mean, we don't live perfectly, and therefore we create chaos in some way. Some create more chaos than others.

00:48

Speaker A

But one of the top calls we receive here in our counseling team comes from parents of adult children. It's a growing category for us where these relationships are broken for one reason or another. But you can apply it to every relationship that you

01:03

Speaker A

have in marriage, in relationships with your adult children, probably your teenagers too. The point is we hear often about feelings of resentment, sadness, anger, grief between the parents and their children. And it's heartbreaking because it makes life feel so much heavier. And

01:20

Speaker A

today we're going to focus on giving attention specifically to those areas of relationship. And I think, again, these principles are going to apply in every direction. Let me say this, God has created the family as the key social unit. You know, this

01:35

Speaker A

is an institution not created by government or by man. It's created by God. And that's why we at Focus on the Family defend it vigorously, because we believe this is the beginning. This is where you learn as a child those moral values, those

01:50

Speaker A

principles about God, and then how to treat others. And we have a wonderful guest today who's going to help us do that even better. Yeah, Dr. Townsend is a nationally known leadership consultant, psychologist, and best-selling author. And he's the founder of

02:04

Speaker A

the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling. He and his wife have two adult children, and he's written a number of books including the one we'll talk about today called Boundaries. It's a best-selling book that he co-wrote with Dr. Henry Cloud. John, welcome back

02:20

Speaker A

to Focus. Thanks, guys. Now on this, the boundary bundle, if I could call it that, all the boundary materials, you've hit 9 million units sold. That's incredible. 9 million. Yeah, it's been a blessing. The funny thing is, Henry and I always thought

02:34

Speaker A

when we wrote that stuff at the beginning 25 years ago, that, okay, people learn about boundaries. They all have good boundaries and we'll move on. But it's work to do it. And so they're selling more than they were then. And now... the 25

02:47

Speaker A

year olds are getting the book because their parents raised them with boundaries and they're trying to teach their kids the same thing. Yeah. Let's move to the estrangement issue and what we set the program up to talk about. This conflict between

03:01

Speaker A

parents and their adult children. I mentioned that focus, we're getting a lot more response with people that are experiencing that. Um, are you hearing the same? And why do you think the intensity of that relationship breakage between parent and the 20-something

03:18

Speaker A

child is happening? Yeah, I am hearing and seeing a lot of it, Jim. And I think there's a reason for it is that, you know, God created us to be people who were full of grace and truth, like he is, like it talks

03:31

Speaker A

about in Ephesians. And that means to be able to connect, but also to be able to talk directly when you need someone without... freaking everybody out. We're supposed to be loving people but truthing people. But there's been some family breakdown over the last

03:44

Speaker A

30 years where a lot of times the parents don't feel like they should do that. That might be a mean thing. I want to keep the self-esteem good and all that. And so they've sort of like shied away from hard truths with their

03:54

Speaker A

children. Now we've got a culture that's kind of the same way. That if you say something that you disagree with, you're out of my life. So the 25-year-olds, they had a background maybe where there wasn't a lot of truth and love. We call

04:07

Speaker A

it integration in the clinical world. Truth and love weren't integrated. So maybe their background wasn't very much that way. And also the culture is saying, yeah, write anybody off that you disagree with instead of... let's have a talk about it. That skill is

04:20

Speaker A

no longer present like it used to be. Yeah, which is so sad because that's how conflict gets taken care of, right? Absolutely. It's the only way. Dealt with. Speak to that issue. You do a lot of counseling with people. Describe that person and

04:34

Speaker A

the why, how you could have this disconnect, this estrangement between you and your adult child. And it's kind of like that saying, when you keep hitting your head up against the same problem and you deal with it in the same way and you

04:49

Speaker A

get the same result, which isn't where you want to be. Definition of insanity. Right.

04:54

Speaker A

Why do we do that as God's creatures? I mean, why aren't we learning from those mistakes? Jim, I think there are a couple of reasons for that. One of them is a thing that we call in the clinical world defensive hope. And defensive

05:08

Speaker A

hope says, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. In other words, there are some times where doing the same thing several times, beating a nail into the wall can help. And so we do that. But then we take it to an

05:18

Speaker A

extreme thinking, well, it's just not loud enough. I'll tell them a million times. And then the adult child just alienates more. The other is because I think that they feel a bit helpless. Like, I've got no other skill here. And I feel like,

05:34

Speaker A

I'm going to, even if it threatens to alienate you, I want you back so bad. I'll even do the wrong thing because that's better than doing nothing because the helplessness for an adult parent is so sad because this is the person I love

05:45

Speaker A

the most. Yeah. And that's the thing. I mean, when you care about that person so much and you see, I guess. And you can't reach them. It's so hard to be a parent and you can't reach them anymore. Well, and maybe that's a

05:56

Speaker A

good question. Describe what has been the precedent there that has allowed this relationship to become so sour. And you get to that point where nothing's working now. You have heard all of it, I would think. So what happened 10 years before that and

06:10

Speaker A

eight years before that and five years before that? Yeah. And it's always a combination in varying ratios between what I did as a parent and what my adult child did, right, from 10 years ago. What's their part and what's my part? It's never

06:22

Speaker A

100%, very, very rarely, it's 100% anything. So a lot of times on the parent's part is, either when it was time to discipline little Sammy, I didn't do it at all because I didn't want to make him feel bad. And then that

06:36

Speaker A

means hard talks later, they don't have the ability. Or I came on too hard with Sammy and I disciplined, you know, the punishment didn't fit the crime and I was way, way too strict with him and that he's alienated. So that's kind of

06:48

Speaker A

me on the parent part. And on Sammy's part, it's like, okay, I didn't get perfect parenting, but I don't want to forgive, and it's a lot easier to blow them off. And here I am also developmentally in the launching stages. You know, the

07:02

Speaker A

Bible says in Genesis 2 about leaving and cleaving. Here I'm in the leaving and cleaving stages. My mom and dad aren't the center of my life anymore. Right. They're just not. I'm laughing because I'm living it. Right. And so they're kind of like

07:15

Speaker A

oatmeal to me. It's just not interesting anymore. I've got all these friends and things I want to do when I want to travel. So I've got that pressure in my head. Plus, we're kind of like, at odds on some issue, it's way too

07:26

Speaker A

much brain damage for me to try to go in and have the hard talks.

07:29

Speaker A

I'll just live my life. So they've got that launching energy saying, it's just too much trouble. No, it's so true. The one thing too, and I t

07:42

Speaker A

single digits, they're five, eight, nine, there's a lot of control. You know, don't run out there. Don't light that on fire. We're dictating behavior, right? Don't do this. Don't do that. And then they get into the teen years and they're trying to express

07:57

Speaker A

themselves and become more independent in their choices, et cetera. And we're still using controlling behavior. younger parenting approaches that inflame that situation. So describe that controlling parent, I guess is the question. Yeah, the way you phrase it, the way I look at it, Jim, is I call the years one to 11ish,

08:17

Speaker A

maybe 12, as the really controlled parent years. And that's a good thing. And that's a good thing because they don't know the rules of life.

08:25

Speaker A

Their brain isn't formed. They need to know, don't run out in the street. And if you do, I'm going to pull you back, right? Right. But then the other years are what I would call the more gentler de-parenting years. I'm gonna give you

08:36

Speaker A

choices now, not every choice, but I'm gonna let you start to think about values and consequences because I'm looking at the launch, your own leaving and cleaving launch. So I parent with more control, first half the deep parenting with less control of them

08:51

Speaker A

by that time they know who they are. They know who God is. They know what their skills of life are. Yeah. And it's so critical. I would think that's probably one of the greatest parenting errors that we make. Yes. And, uh, and that's,

09:02

Speaker A

that's a good thing for us to describe. The other thing there is then we hit those teenage years and because we don't know how to deescalate or D control, as you're saying, we can tend to then manipulate and boy, teenagers, They have a

09:18

Speaker A

nose for parental manipulation. Oh, so when did you shower last? Wouldn't it be nice to take a shower? It feels so good. I'm guilty of that with two boys. I mean, it was half of my parenting. And we really

09:31

Speaker A

think that the child's going to go, Great idea. I hadn't thought of that. Bingo!

09:36

Speaker A

Wham! Right between the eyes, you know, Dad, it's time. Thanks for the reminder. I didn't usually get that response. But what about that manipulation and how dangerous that can be as a parent? I think it's actually worse than direct control. It's not as

09:51

Speaker A

bad as abuse. Nothing's as bad as abuse. But in terms of direct control versus manipulation, because... If you're directly controlling, the child can say, well, you're too harsh or not harsh enough, but I know where you are. I can trust you because you're

10:02

Speaker A

this solid object saying, you'll be in timeout for this. The manipulating, my favorite is when the mom says, do you know how long I was in labor with you? I've never heard that before. But you want to go out with your friends again. My wife actually had a friend say

10:23

Speaker A

that it was a very effective tactic with her child to say, I gave birth to you, I can tell you what to do. And at some point in time, that doesn't really work. Or the classic is, I brought you into this world, and

10:37

Speaker A

I can take you out of it. Yeah, there's a good one. All that stuff.

10:40

Speaker A

But in terms of manipulation... Then the child goes, oh, I can't trust you. You're gonna game me, and I don't feel like you're gonna be honest with me. Direct control, you can say you're crazy or not crazy, but they trust. Manipulation, they go,

10:54

Speaker A

how do I know what you say is for my benefit? So it's a bad thing, as you said. I guess the flip side of that is then how does that adult child, again, let's just picture a 24-year-old whose parent is

11:06

Speaker A

manipulative or controlling, How do they self-assess? How do they protect themselves? Let's speak to the other side of it, not just the parent's side. What mechanisms do they have to minimize the impact of that manipulation? Yeah, suppose you're listening to the program and you're thinking, well, I'm that age

11:26

Speaker A

and my parents have been doing that to me. The best approach is to go to them with love and honor and say, I want to make things better. You see all the way through the Bible where it talks about speak the truth in

11:41

Speaker A

love and this sort of thing, confront your brother or sister. To go to them and say, thank you for what you've done for me, but there's some things that don't make it better. I always start off positive. It's not as good as it

11:51

Speaker A

could be. Could we communicate in a different way? And here could be my part.

11:56

Speaker A

And a lot of people, then their defenses will go down because you're not saying you're the person at fault. You're just saying, this is the ground's all level at the cross here. Here's what I've been doing that's crazy. Here's what you're doing. I

12:06

Speaker A

want to make it better. It's really hard to say no to that invitation. That is so good. John, let me play a clip that is from a mom who has struggled in her relationship with her daughter and have you respond. Hi, Dr.

12:21

Speaker A

Townsend. I have a question for you. In the past, I have been divorced and there's been a lack of communication within the family. And so I have an estranged daughter, an adult daughter who can't seem to find a way to forgive me.

12:39

Speaker A

So my question is, there's just how can I get that trust back and for her to find grace and mercy within herself for me? First off, my heart just sank. when I heard her story and it's one that I hear way too much.

12:53

Speaker A

I'm sure y'all hear it way too much too. Where a parent is in those years where you want to enjoy the relationship and you're growing up and flourishing and finding your own way. She doesn't have that. And all these years seem gone. And

13:07

Speaker A

when, when she said, well, how do I get her to trust me? There's a step you've got to do before trust. And it has to do with building a bridge. This is how you build a bridge in whatever way, when you've got an

13:19

Speaker A

adult child who's estranged, whatever way they get communication, phone call, text, snail mail, you know, Zoom or having lunch. And if they'll meet you in any way, you send them that communication and you say something like the following.

13:36

Speaker A

I'm so sorry about where things are and about how you feel about our relationship.

13:40

Speaker A

And I miss you. And I would like for us to be connected again. And I want to say, be sure that I know what I've done to hurt you.

13:49

Speaker A

So I'd like to propose this. I'd like for us to meet, phone, Zoom, in person. And I want you to tell me everything in your experience I've done to hurt or alienate you. And I'm just gonna be sitting there with a legal pad

14:04

Speaker A

and a pen, and I'm gonna write down everything you say. And you can take as long as you need to, because if it's a lot, I wanna know a lot. And one thing I promise you is I'm not going to interrupt you and

14:16

Speaker A

say, well, you misunderstood that part, or well, I was having a hard time, or well, how about the things you did? I promise I won't do any of those things. I might say things like, how did that feel? Or tell me more, or

14:29

Speaker A

is there more information? But I want to hear from your heart what your experience is of the hurts I caused you. And then I'm gonna take that, and I'm gonna go home, and you're gonna go home, and I wanna sit down and pray

14:41

Speaker A

and write and think through, and everything you've narrated that I've done that's true, I'm going to change it. And I'm going to change it by the time we meet again, if you'll give me a second meeting. And in that second meeting, I'm going

14:53

Speaker A

to show you how I've changed, and I'm going to stay changed. And that is all I ask of you. And that's because you're worth that to me. Is that something you would be interested in? What I have found with this approach is that

15:08

Speaker A

if there's any hope at all, That's the one, is that they feel like you're not trying to change me. You're not saying, well, here's my side of it. Here's your side of it. You do have a side, and that comes later. Once you've

15:18

Speaker A

built the bridge and you've taken a few hits and you've repented some things, that comes later. That's fine, but it's not your day because you're the grown-up. And they say they really want to know how they've never asked me how it felt, or

15:34

Speaker A

they've always interrupted, or they've always made excuses, and then they really want to know.

15:38

Speaker A

It's the best chance you've got. Yeah. And John, I mean, it sounds so tender and so right. And being the parent swallowing resolution for yourself and absorbing how you can repair the relationship is a great first, second, third step.

15:54

Speaker A

And then hopefully eventually you can get to some of the things that may have hurt you. I love that. Speaking of first, second, third, it does sound a lot like what Jesus said about the first, second, and third mile. You're going the way

16:05

Speaker A

the grown-up should go. Right. That's so true. But we also need to cover that.

16:10

Speaker A

That parent that, you know, they haven't perhaps done things that are egregious, yet their child is, their adult child is in some serious trouble. It could be drugs, it could be promiscuous relationships, whatever it might be. I would think that that

16:27

Speaker A

situation might be a little different when there's self-harm occurring. How does a parent engage that adult child in that discussion without damaging or severely damaging the relationship? Yeah, it's one of those kind of no-win situations in a way,

16:44

Speaker A

Jim, because you think about parent, that means I've got a certain amount of leverage and control, but I'm a parent of this person who is also an adult. Right.

16:53

Speaker A

So, authority, I'm your dad, I'm your mom. That's kind of out the window now.

16:58

Speaker A

I'm just this older person that you've got a history with that I hope that you love. That's all I got. And so the leverage has to move from, well, I'm the dad or the mom to influence and influence a relationship. So let's

17:12

Speaker A

suppose you've got somebody out of the home, for example. There's out of the home problems and there's in the home problems, depending on where the young adult is. Out of the home, the best approach you've got is to certainly meet with them because

17:26

Speaker A

we all have a responsibility. I mean, it's not just the responsibility as a parent, it's also the responsibility as a Christian who loves somebody and all the passages there apply. I always say, you have to have a dedicated talk. You don't do it

17:39

Speaker A

while you're watching a movie or you don't do it while you're watching Netflix or rock climbing. You gotta look at each other in the eye. You have to look at each other and you say, so you set it up. I believe in setting

17:49

Speaker A

it up. And you say, I'd like to have a meeting with about some things.

17:54

Speaker A

Well, what are they gonna be about? Well, this is about making things better between us, and I'd like to go into it. And so you go to them and you say, first off, you know, you visit How's Life. Then you say, let me

18:04

Speaker A

tell you why we're meeting and thank you for being here. And by the way, and I always start with it. And by the way, if I ever do anything to alienate you, upset you, make you feel not good or whatever, I would want

18:16

Speaker A

you to tell me. Or do you feel free to tell me? And most of the time the adult child will say, sure I do. And that's good. So they know that this is a no one way thing. I want to know what I'm

18:23

Speaker A

doing wrong. Well, here's some things I want to talk about that concern me. One is your ex. And first off, I want to know the why. I'm interested in you. So before I tell them to change, I want to know the

18:37

Speaker A

why. Why are you taking drugs? Why don't you get a job? Why are you promiscuous? That's going to take a while because they have lots of reasons. They probably thought it through. Christian or non-Christian, they're all over the map these days. But you

18:50

Speaker A

listen well and don't take an opinion. You just want to understand. I want to get to the why. And then once they get to it, they say, thank you.

18:57

Speaker A

Do I get it? And you have to make sure they say you got it.

19:00

Speaker A

They say, no, you don't get it. You keep preaching at me. Okay, let me try it again. It sounds like you do it because you don't think there's anything wrong and it makes your life better and you're under stress. Do I get it?

19:09

Speaker A

Yeah, you get it. when they say you get it, you've got permission to say the following. Can I give you my perspective on that? Not to be a controlling person, but I owe you that perspective. One out of a hundred will say no.

19:22

Speaker A

The rest of them will say, you kind of earned it. You sat here and listened to me talk. And here's my perspective. And you do your homework before you do that. You find out what the Bible says. You find out what good psychology

19:32

Speaker A

says. You find out what reality says. Get statistics if you need to. I'm concerned about your life and I love you and I'm looking at down the corridors of time of whether you that you're going to become at 30, 35, 40. And here's

19:44

Speaker A

what it says and I don't want that for you. I don't think it's good for you. It's not just because it's a right or wrong, certainly that, but there's also bad consequences and fruit for your life. And I would like for you to

19:54

Speaker A

think about it. And then you say, regardless, I'm your dad or I'm your mom and I want to be friends with you and I'd love to have other dialogue if you'd like to. Yeah. That's your best first question. approach. Yeah, that's good. And

20:07

Speaker A

relationally driven, which is good. Respectful. And outcome driven. Yeah. So they're thinking about time. And John, in that scenario, after that conversation, as the parent, you have to walk away and not worry if they change or not. That's not easy. Well, you

20:23

Speaker A

can worry. It's okay. Okay. You gotta let go of controlling that. That we have to do. Yeah. We have to walk away knowing that they may say, oh, my crazy mom, oh, my crazy dad, that's just who they are. I'm gonna go back

20:36

Speaker A

to my ways. And you have to walk away from that. And whenever people tell me that, and I feel it too, I always say the following. Yeah, you know how God feels. Yeah, right. He tells you the truth. He does everything he can

20:49

Speaker A

for you. He makes it winsome. And then he walks away and says, Hope you make the right choice. Choose you this day, as it says in Joshua. It's so hard, but he goes through it every day. John, let me, I'm sorry, I'm kind

21:01

Speaker A

of jumping around a little bit. I'm thinking of the parent of a teenager right now. So they're 10, 12 years away from potentially having a broken relationship with their adult child. Speak to the importance and the application of healthy boundaries

21:17

Speaker A

in that time so that the teen is learning and hopefully even before that you're going to say, but it's the whole unveiling of healthy boundaries so that your kids can learn the right thing. Speak to that. Yeah. A little more

21:33

Speaker A

while they're sort of in wet cement in their brains. Correct. Yeah. It's not hardened yet because in those years, you know, if you look at the neuroscience, they kind of don't know who they are and, and, um, They know a lot more of

21:45

Speaker A

what they don't want, which is controlling parents, than what they really do want. And it's sort of a developmental sort of a sloshy time for them. So when I wrote Boundaries to Teens, I gave four steps for the parent, no matter what the

21:57

Speaker A

problem is. If it's anything from disrespect to eye-rolling to drugs to, you know, acting out to violence to little things and big things, there's four steps that you have to take that really work. The first one is called love. Well, that's kind

22:12

Speaker A

of a... obvious one. You have to convey that you love and care for someone and convey that you love them on their terms. And that means listening that you care because you can't tell them the rest of the stuff until they know that

22:24

Speaker A

you do. Second one is past love is truth. And truth means here's our house rules. In the Smith house, we don't do drugs. In the Smith house, we don't do promiscuous sex. We don't do disrespect to your parents. You can disagree with your

22:37

Speaker A

parents, but slamming doors and this sort of thing, whatever it is, That's in our house rules. And sometimes I have parents kind of write them on the fridge. I'm a big believer in the writing on the fridge thing that we've been doing 30

22:47

Speaker A

years. So there won't be any misunderstanding because teenagers are kind of attorneys. They'll say, well, you didn't put a comment there, right? So it's up there. So you got the love. Now they know the house rules and you also know the consequences. If

23:01

Speaker A

you don't do this, if you do do these things, we're all happy. Good grades and you're behaving well. If you don't do things, you learn these privileges and you make sure the consequences fit the crime. things that are important to them, whatever the

23:13

Speaker A

things are that you're taking away. A lot of times it's easy because the social stuff and the digital stuff, they are addicted to. So you take that away and that's a big deal after a couple of times. The third one is the hard

23:22

Speaker A

one for Christian parents. It's a thing called freedom, meaning you can disobey these if you choose. You can break, I can't monitor you with a nightstick around the house at night. You can break out and go do stuff and

23:38

Speaker A

you can do these things. I won't stop you. Now, at three-year-old, you've got to stop them. You pull them out of traffic. But at 14, 15, I just can't monitor all the time. So you're free to do this. And Christian parents go, what

23:51

Speaker A

are you talking about? I say, well, hold on to my system here. Here's the fourth one. The fourth one is reality. We will give you the reality, the consequences.

24:00

Speaker A

I will follow up. I'm not just going to threaten the neck. I'll follow up with taking away the phone, anything digital, the car keys, social or whatever, and you follow up and that's their training. So if you do the four steps,

24:13

Speaker A

love, truth, freedom, and reality, you've got your best shot. And that is good. I want to speak for that parent that has to brace for the response. You have to put on your big parent pants and have no need for the child

24:30

Speaker A

to like what they're hearing. I often tell parents, you've got to do the support sandwich here. I'm going to talk to Susie, about the hard thing. And so would you pray for me and tell me I'm a good person? And so they'll say,

24:42

Speaker A

yeah, you know, go for it. I believe in you. All those kind of psych up things. They kind of coach you in a good way. Get ready. And I know you're ready for it. And you normalize it. And you say, I know from

24:52

Speaker A

a hundred times trying this, she's going to be mad and blame me and explode and get emotional. So you normalize it. So you got the support. and you've normalized, then you have it with her, and you still feel bad. So then you call

25:06

Speaker A

your support person afterwards who's on call, and you say, it was awful, I felt like I had parents, she hates my guts, it'll never be good. And the person says, give it time, I love you, I'll be praying for you. You gotta have

25:15

Speaker A

that sandwich, and you gotta normalize. Yeah, and that is good advice, John. And this has been so good. This is day one. We wanna come back tomorrow, if you're willing, continue the discussion, and actually give parents even more hope that,

25:30

Speaker A

It's not lost. We just need to apply the right principles. And if we can remember that inside the heart of every teenager and adult child, there's still a part that says, I want the relationship. It may be so far inside they don't have

25:43

Speaker A

access to it, but that voice is still saying at some point, under all the rebellion, all the hatred, and all the, they don't get me, I still want them.

25:50

Speaker A

And we have to capitalize on that. And that is such a good reminder and an encouragement, really. And to the listener, let me encourage you to get a copy of Boundaries. This is a New York Times bestseller. I think, again, the whole bundle,

26:02

Speaker A

we started there mentioning that about nine million copies of the boundary materials have been sold. So people have resonated over the years with this content. It's evergreen.

26:13

Speaker A

It's for every generation. These are tried and true principles that Dr. John Townsend has identified and they're biblically rooted and supported by science. I mean, you can't get any better than that. If you can make a gift of any amount, we'll send the

26:28

Speaker A

book as our way of saying thank you and be part of the ministry. Yeah, join the support team today. Make a monthly pledge if you can or a one-time gift, and we'll send a copy of that book, Boundaries, to you. Our number is

26:42

Speaker A

800-A-FAMILY, 800-232-6459, or click the link on your screen. John, again, it's been great having you here with us. Let's come back and keep talking. Sure. And on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back

27:01

Speaker A

next time as we once more talk to Dr. John Townsend and help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Topics: parenting adult children estrangement family relationships boundaries conflict resolution Focus on the Family Dr. John Townsend psychology counseling

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