**How to Heal and Process a Fight - The Gottmans Act it out — Transcript & Summary | SozAI**
Source: https://sozai.app/transcript/heal-process-fight-gottmans-act-out/

A couple re-enacts a real fight over a waiting-in-the-car conflict, showing the Gottman method of stating feelings, subjective realities, and repair attempts.

## Key Takeaways

- Name specific emotions from a feelings list to move from blame toward understanding.
- Each partner's subjective reality is valid even when it differs from the other's.
- Repair attempts such as apologies and discreet signals can de-escalate conflict quickly.
- Public confrontation intensifies shame; moving the conversation to a private setting helps.
- Recognizing personal triggers and past patterns supports more intentional responses.

## What the video covers

- A partner waits an hour in the car while the other browses a violin store, triggering a heated argument about consideration and respect.
- The speaker describes feeling flooded, angry, misunderstood, and unappreciated, and recounts an emotionally charged nightmare the night before that colored the afternoon.
- The partner explains their subjective reality: they thought the errand would take about 10 minutes and felt overwhelmed by the time passing and the loss of their planned swimming and practice.
- Both partners describe feeling criticized and publicly embarrassed when one raised their voice in the store, and the other felt scared and out of control.
- The conversation follows the Gottman structured steps: listing feelings from a list, then sharing subjective realities without judgment.
- Each partner validates the other's experience, acknowledging that the wait was frustrating and that the reactions were understandable.
- The partner who was waiting apologizes for ignoring the other's needs and for making the situation about themselves.
- The speaker identifies a longstanding pattern of reactivity tied to childhood experiences and commits to responding more calmly.
- The video models repair attempts, such as suggesting a quiet signal or going outside to talk instead of escalating in public.
- The overall lesson is that processing a fight means slowing down, naming feelings, understanding each other's realities, and offering sincere repair.

## Chapters

1. 00:00 Opening Complaint: Waiting in the Car
2. 00:53 Expressing Feelings and Needs
3. 03:00 Stating Subjective Realities
4. 05:00 Recounting the Escalation in the Store
5. 10:00 Sharing Feelings and Childhood Patterns
6. 15:00 Apology and Acknowledging Neglect
7. 20:00 Repair Attempts and Future Plans

Answers

## Questions about this video

What triggered the argument in this video?

One partner waited in the car for an hour while the other stayed in a violin store, despite an agreed ten-minute visit. The waiting partner felt their afternoon plans were ruined and that their needs were ignored.

What method does the video demonstrate for processing a fight?

It demonstrates the Gottman method: each partner names feelings from a list, then shares their subjective reality in turn while the other listens and validates. This structure helps reduce defensiveness.

How does the couple repair the relationship at the end?

The partner who caused the delay apologizes, takes responsibility for ignoring the other's needs, and commits to reacting less impulsively. They also discuss better repair signals for future moments of tension.

## Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

00:00

Speaker A

I've been waiting for an hour in the car for you. You said you were going to stop in there for a few minutes, and I've been waiting for a whole hour. Now my whole afternoon is ruined. I can't swim now.

00:11

Speaker A

Why are you so wrapped up in the store? I mean, you're so inconsiderate. What the hell's wrong with you?

00:17

Speaker A

Why are you so wrapped up in the store? I mean, you're so inconsiderate. What the hell's wrong with you?

00:35

Speaker A

I mean, my whole afternoon is ruined. I can't I can't swim now. You said you're going to be in there for a few minutes and then you're in there constantly. I mean, there's something you can do for hours and hours.

00:47

Speaker A

Can we just go outside and talk about it?

00:53

Speaker A

It's inconsiderate of you. I'm in the car. I'm waiting. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to be understanding.

00:59

Speaker A

Fine, Julie. I waited for you 15 minutes, then it turned into a half an hour, then it's 45 minutes. It's a whole hour. You're so inconsiderate, John.

01:05

Speaker A

You can stop criticizing me. You can you can be in that store for hours.

01:09

Speaker A

I mean, my whole afternoon is ruined. I can't, I can't swim now. You said you're going to be in there for a few minutes, and then you're in there constantly. I mean, there's something you can do for hours and hours.

01:19

Speaker A

I'm not. What am I supposed to do? Drive the car away? You're not listening to me. You're not listening to me either.

01:25

Speaker A

John, I had a nightmare last night. I felt like crap. What about me? What about what I need?

01:32

Speaker A

It's just so thoughtless of you. You want to talk about this fight? Yes, I really do.

01:47

Speaker A

It's inconsiderate of you. I'm in the car. I'm waiting. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to be understanding.

01:58

Speaker A

Okay. I felt totally flooded, angry, misunderstood. I was right, you were wrong, righteously indignant, morally justified, unappreciated, abandoned. I felt defensive. My feelings got hurt. I got flooded angry misunderstood criticized took a complaint personally, not cared about, unsafe for sure, tense.

02:40

Speaker A

And it just turns into a whole hour where I'm waiting. So what? So thoughtless.

03:06

Speaker A

So, step two, subjective realities. So, my reality was that, you know, we [snorts] were together in one car doing errands. We'd gone to the bank.

03:18

Speaker A

You can stop criticizing me. You can, you can be in that store for hours.

03:33

Speaker A

Mhm. So I was kind of thinking it would take 10 minutes maybe something like that and then so I'm waiting in the car and you know I'm thinking oh okay so now it's 15 minutes and and then you know I'm

03:47

Speaker A

So what? Because, so what? Because I'm waiting. You go into a violin store and you're there forever. Now we're doing errands together. That's so inconsiderate.

03:59

Speaker A

not going to be able to play the fiddle and practice before my lesson on Tuesday. And so, you know, I'm trying to calm myself down. Okay. Then it's 45 minutes.

04:11

Speaker A

I'm not. What am I supposed to do? Drive the car away? You're not listening to me. You're not listening to me either.

04:20

Speaker A

And I was just, you know, I know you get absorbed by being in a store, you know, and so after an hour, I kind of lost it.

04:29

Speaker A

First, you listen to me. Just knock it off. This is a big issue, and you need to pay attention to my feelings.

04:42

Speaker A

some of the afternoon to get something done that I needed to get done. Mhm.

04:47

Speaker A

It's just so thoughtless of you. You want to talk about this fight?

04:55

Speaker A

Okay. So, we were together started off, we were doing errands together and I had said earlier that I was just going to be in the store for 10 minutes to look at something that the saleswoman set aside.

05:13

Speaker A

Yes, I really do.

05:29

Speaker A

Yeah because you thought the afternoon is gone. I'm not going to be able to swim.

05:34

Speaker A

Let's do the aftermath.

05:54

Speaker A

Let's stop this. Let's get out of here. Something like that, right? And then you wanted me to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry.

06:04

Speaker A

All right. Okay. Step one, feelings off this list. Right. So, do you want to start, or...

06:11

Speaker A

Okay. [snorts] So, did I get all that right? Yeah, you got it. Okay. So, I can totally see how you felt that way. I mean, sitting in the car for an hour is no fun, you know, especially when you had the expectation of 10

06:25

Speaker A

Yeah, let me start.

06:32

Speaker A

So, okay. So, first of all, you know, I woke up in the morning. I'd had a really bad dream that night. It kept me awake and I woke up feeling really horrible, you know, still kind of messed up from

06:46

Speaker A

Okay. I felt totally flooded, angry, misunderstood. I was right, you were wrong, righteously indignant, morally justified, unappreciated, abandoned. I felt defensive. My feelings got hurt. I got flooded, angry, misunderstood, criticized, took a complaint personally, not cared about, unsafe for sure, tense.

07:02

Speaker A

[snorts] So, I am really enjoying myself and I'm looking at all this beautiful stuff and it's very cool and you know I'm like trying to get my head out of the nightmare and trying to enjoy the beauty of the things I was looking at. I did

07:22

Speaker A

I felt unappreciated, unattractive, because I always do. Like leaving, powerless. I had no influence, lonely, ashamed, shocked. Yeah, definitely shocked. Okay.

07:30

Speaker A

You'll read a book and you'll be perfectly content. I was imagining that you were just doing fine in the car just reading your book. I was at the other end of the store and I see you coming in

07:44

Speaker A

So, step two, subjective realities. So, my reality was that, you know, we were together in one car doing errands. We'd gone to the bank.

08:06

Speaker A

you been in here so long? Oh my god, you know, this is ridiculous. You're spending way too much time in here." And I heard you saying it in a very loud voice. And as soon as you started, I

08:22

Speaker A

Mm-hmm. And it was early afternoon.

08:52

Speaker A

embarrassed humiliated and I can't believe you're doing this. I mean, I was, I guess, fantasizing that you had no consciousness of people around us listening to us and the impact that would have on both you and me. So,

09:17

Speaker A

Mm-hmm. I heard you say, at least my perception is, you said you were just going to stop in the store for a short time just to see what the sales lady had put aside for you.

09:34

Speaker A

So, I then said to you, "Let's get out of here." So, we went to the car [snorts] and had this horrible fight.

09:45

Speaker A

Mm-hmm. So I was kind of thinking it would take 10 minutes, maybe something like that. And then, so I'm waiting in the car, and you know, I'm thinking, oh okay, so now it's 15 minutes, and then, you know, I'm thinking how much longer is this going to take? And it's half an hour. I'm starting to really get upset because I'm thinking the whole afternoon is going to go away, and I'm not going to be able to go swimming. I'm not going to be able to play the fiddle and practice before my lesson on Tuesday. So, you know, I'm trying to calm myself down.

10:06

Speaker A

It was scary. You often don't get enraged, but you were enraged. It seemed like to me anyway. And so I just got flooded and we stopped. That's what I remember.

10:28

Speaker A

Okay.

10:49

Speaker A

and you're just really enjoying yourself not thinking about the time passing and you know I was reading a book and you thought I was just fine but then you saw me coming in and I looked furious.

11:03

Speaker A

Then it's 45 minutes. And then in an hour, I really kind of lost it. I thought, no matter what happens, my afternoon is ruined. And I was just, you know, I know you get absorbed by being in a store, and so after an hour, I kind of lost it. I was so angry, and I kind of just charged in there, you know, to just say, "Oh, I'm sorry, time got away from me. Let me wrap this up and let's go back home." Then maybe I could rescue some of the afternoon to get something done that I needed to get done.

11:22

Speaker A

You wanted to shrink through the floor or just get out of there. And then we went to the car and we had this horrible fight and you felt like you were facing a roaring train coming at you and you

11:36

Speaker A

Mm-hmm.

11:47

Speaker A

Well, I can I can really understand why you felt that way. And I was really oblivious to people around me and just out of control. I was so angry and out of control. And I can see why you got

12:01

Speaker A

I didn't want the errand thing to take all day. That's kind of where I was at.

12:20

Speaker A

Yeah. So this felt very similar to that, you know, that old feeling. Yeah. That I've had ever since I was a kid, probably, I don't know, seven, eight years old, of being put down in front of others, being shamed, being the object

12:36

Speaker A

Okay. So, we were together, started off doing errands together, and I had said earlier that I was just going to be in the store for 10 minutes to look at something that the saleswoman set aside. So you were waiting in the car, and after 15 minutes, okay, after half an hour, you're starting to get uncomfortable, right? And then after an hour, you were really mad.

12:48

Speaker A

It was a big one. I get it. That makes total sense. Okay. Embarrassing him in public.

12:57

Speaker A

Yeah, because you thought the afternoon was gone. I'm not going to be able to swim. I can't practice the fiddle.

13:19

Speaker A

I've had it up to here with enduring things I can't control and not getting my needs met. And I think I felt that way a lot in my life.

13:31

Speaker A

Yeah, for my lesson tomorrow. And you were really fuming. You said, and then you came into the store, and you remember saying, "Cut this short." You felt really angry. Let's stop this, let's get out of here, something like that, right? And then you wanted me to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I'll wrap things up right away," and leave. But that didn't happen.

13:40

Speaker A

And and that's what got triggered for me is I've got to sit and endure things that I have no control over and it just I was like a volcano that erupted.

13:52

Speaker A

Right. Right.

14:01

Speaker A

I can understand how there's so much emotion and anger inside in terms of all that stuff you went through beginning when you were 12 years old in high school. I mean, it was horrible, right?

14:17

Speaker A

Okay. So, did I get all that right?

14:37

Speaker A

what happened there. And for me, this is this is a real turning was a real turning point in our relationship because I was giving myself permission to be a real jerk. I was giving myself permission to just let my emotions fly.

14:58

Speaker A

Yeah, you got it.

15:21

Speaker A

myself just react to things because I'm becoming very reactive, you know. And so I made a vow to myself and I want to apologize to you because I respect you so much in so many different ways. I mean you're

15:40

Speaker A

Okay. So, I can totally see how you felt that way. I mean, sitting in the car for an hour is no fun, especially when you had the expectation of 10 minutes.

15:57

Speaker A

communicate disrespect to you in public ever again. And I've really worked on myself, you know, at that hair trigger that I have. And I'm so sorry and so ashamed about doing that to you in public. I really want to apologize

16:20

Speaker A

Yeah. Right.

16:29

Speaker A

Wow. Well, I definitely accept that apology. Thank you. I mean, that was really tender and I really appreciate that apology.

16:41

Speaker A

So, that makes sense to me. Okay. Thank you. What was your reality?

16:54

Speaker A

I don't know. Maybe I hadn't been a very good listener. I definitely hadn't asked for what I needed there for sure. I didn't ask for what I needed. That was a biggie.

17:06

Speaker A

So, first of all, I woke up in the morning. I'd had a really bad dream that night. It kept me awake, and I woke up feeling really horrible, still kind of messed up from the dream I had. And I knew we were going to be doing errands together.

17:25

Speaker A

minimized the discomfort you might be feeling, you know, just sitting there and waiting. Especially that I had said I'll be 10 minutes. I kind of blocked that out because I didn't want to think about it.

17:40

Speaker A

Okay.

18:00

Speaker A

consider and I should have I did not consider that you had plans for the afternoon too like swimming and playing the fiddle. I I just neglected you. I ignored what you needed and made myself the star of my own show, you know, and

18:22

Speaker A

So, in fact, one of the errands was to go to the store and take a look at the stuff that the saleswoman had put aside. So I am really enjoying myself, and I'm looking at all this beautiful stuff, and it's very cool. And I'm trying to get my head out of the nightmare and trying to enjoy the beauty of the things I was looking at. I did think about the time a little bit, but I knew that you were reading a book, and that often, you'll read a book and you'll be perfectly content. I was imagining that you were just doing fine in the car, just reading your book.

18:38

Speaker A

and ignoring your needs. That's what I feel really bad about. Thank you. And I'm really really sorry.

18:44

Speaker A

I was at the other end of the store, and I see you coming in, and to me you looked really furious. And there were a lot of people in the store. There were salespeople, there were customers, etc. And so what I remember is I heard you say, "What the hell are you doing? Why have you been in here so long? Oh my god, this is ridiculous. You're spending way too much time in here." And I heard you saying it in a very loud voice. And as soon as you started, I kind of looked around, and I noticed that everybody was looking, and people could hear a pin drop, and you're continuing to yell, and I am frozen, and then I am really freaked out, and I'm getting flooded inside and mortified, embarrassed, humiliated, and I can't believe you're doing this. I mean, I was, I guess, fantasizing that you had no consciousness of people around us listening to us and the impact that would have on both you and me. So, all I wanted to do was one, either shrink through the floor and disappear, or grab you and get out of there, because it was just way too much. It was over the top.

18:49

Speaker A

Can I go first on step five? Constructive plans. I think one thing you could do differently is, you know, if something like that happens again and we're doing errands, you're in a store and you go, "Boy, I really I'm having

19:02

Speaker A

So, I then said to you, "Let's get out of here." So, we went to the car and had this horrible fight. And I remember, I don't remember everything that was said, but I remember feeling criticized, put down, flooded. I felt like I was facing a roaring train coming right at me. And honestly, I think I was a little scared. It was scary. You often don't get enraged, but you were enraged, it seemed like to me anyway. And so I just got flooded, and we stopped. That's what I remember.

19:12

Speaker A

Are you okay with that? Or do you want to take an Uber home and exercise or whatever you want to do with the afternoon? Just come out and check with me." You know, that would be just great.

19:23

Speaker A

Okay. Okay. So you woke up having had a bad dream, and you know we were going to be doing errands together. So we just had one car, and we went to the store. Going to the store was part of the errands, and you're just really enjoying yourself, not thinking about the time passing. And you know I was reading a book, and you thought I was just fine. But then you saw me coming in, and I looked furious, lots of people in the store, and I'm saying things like, "What the hell are you doing?" in a loud voice. You noticed everybody looking. You're feeling frozen. You're getting flooded. You're embarrassed, humiliated, mortified. You can't believe that I'm doing that. You wanted to shrink throug

19:46

Speaker A

recovering from your nightmare and, you know, and then I come in like a bull in a china shop, you know, and smash crash into your enjoyment, your joy, and wreck it. Feel terrible about that.

19:59

Speaker A

So, I'm I'm never going to do that again. Ever. I'm going to really work on myself, and I make a vow to you. I'm never going to do that again.

20:09

Speaker A

Really? Really, really, truly. I promise. Wow. I like your idea. You know what I could do differently is definitely, you know, I could have even I don't know if you would have answered your phone or not.

20:22

Speaker A

I would have. I could have called you and told you what was going on.

20:26

Speaker A

And I really should have done that provided you'd answer your phone. I didn't know if your phone was turned on, but I could definitely do that. Just let you know if your phone isn't working or it's turned off. I do come out and tell

20:41

Speaker A

you what's going on. Communication. I'm wanting and give you a choice, you know, so you're not feeling so powerless. And you know, then we sort it out from there. That would be just great.

20:53

Speaker A

Oh, I saw [laughter] that sigh. Yes. Okay, that's cool. So, [snorts] that's one thing I could do. And you could, you know, I don't fault you for being mad. I think you should have been mad. I mean, I don't blame you for being mad,

21:11

Speaker A

but I think if you had come into the store, not said a word, come to me and said, "Can we go outside?" [laughter] Yeah.

21:21

Speaker A

You know, away from people, and then you could have expressed what you were feeling and what you needed.

21:29

Speaker A

Yeah. Would have been okay. Yeah. Because I mean, you had a right to be angry.

21:32

Speaker A

Yeah. I could do it easily. Yeah. Okay. Deal. Okay. And that is the aftermath of a regrettable incident. Step one, feelings. Step two, each of your experiences, you know, of what you experienced during that fight. Step three, triggers. Step four, taking

21:56

Speaker A

responsibility. And step five, making a future plan to avoid this from happening again. You can do it. It works.

Topics: Gottman method relationship conflict repair attempts emotional flooding couples communication active listening apology subjective reality conflict resolution relationship therapy

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