**The 4 Attachment Styles Setting Boundaries โ€” Transcript & Summary | SozAI** Source: https://sozai.app/transcript/attachment-styles-setting-boundaries/ Heidi Priebe explains how anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant attachment styles each approach boundaries, and why they struggle to set and keep them. ## Key Takeaways - Boundaries are things you do for yourself, not expectations you place on others. - Self-regulation is the foundation for healthy boundaries, and anxious individuals often need to build it. - Avoidant and fearful-avoidant individuals must learn to notice and communicate their needs rather than withdrawing or fantasizing about leaving. - Inner child work and emotional awareness can help people tolerate the feelings that boundaries bring up. ## What the video covers - Introduces the video as part of an attachment style series, focusing on anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant styles and their relationship to boundaries. - Notes that all insecure attachment styles tend to have an unhealthy or underdeveloped relationship with boundary setting unless consciously worked on. - Shares the speaker's background: she is a master's student in attachment theory and research, not an expert, and cites figures like Gabor Mate, Dan Siegel, Bowlby, and Ainsworth as key sources. - Anxious attachment: most aware of needing boundaries but struggles to set and enforce them, largely due to underdeveloped self-regulation. - Anxious individuals often rely on co-regulation and mirroring from others; without it, distress escalates and boundaries get dropped. - Many anxious people confuse expectations (e.g., 'my partner must say I love you') with boundaries; a boundary is something you do, not something you require others to do. - Avoidant attachment: tends to suppress emotional needs and treats boundaries as a way to keep others away, often lacking communication about needs and feelings. - Fearful-avoidant attachment: oscillates between craving closeness and wanting to leave, with fantasies of solitude that create inconsistent boundary patterns. - Healthy boundary-setting requires self-regulation, emotional awareness, inner child work, and noticing and asking for alone time without waiting for crisis. - The speaker stresses that her information will evolve and encourages viewers to consult established experts. ## Chapters 1. 00:00 Introduction and Video Overview 2. 01:38 Speaker Background and Attachment Theory Credentials 3. 03:00 Anxious Attachment and Self-Regulation Challenges 4. 05:04 Anxious Boundaries vs. Expectations 5. 07:50 Avoidant Attachment and Communicating Needs 6. 11:20 Fearful-Avoidant Patterns and Inconsistent Boundaries 7. 18:20 Building Healthy Boundaries and Self-Regulation Tools Answers ## Questions about this video What is the main difference between a boundary and an expectation according to the video? A boundary is something you do yourself to protect your emotional space, while an expectation requires someone else to behave a certain way. The speaker notes that anxious individuals often mislabel expectations as boundaries, which leads to disappointment since others can't be controlled. Why do anxiously attached people struggle to keep their boundaries in place? They often lack developed self-regulation skills, so when they set a boundary they become emotionally overwhelmed and tend to drop it to regain the co-regulation or reassurance they need from others. What does the speaker recommend fearful-avoidant individuals do to set healthier boundaries? She recommends noticing when they need alone time within a relationship and asking for it directly, rather than waiting until they feel they must leave. Breaking the false belief that being alone equals being free is also central to her advice. ## Full Transcript โ€” Download SRT & Markdown 00:00 Speaker A hey guys heidi prep here i was getting really mad about like perfectly centering myself in this video like it takes so long for me to get directly in front of the fireplace and then i know i'm still not in the right place 00:12 Speaker A whatever today we are doing another installment of the attachment style series so i'm going to be talking about anxious avoidant and fearful avoidance styles we're not going to spend as much time on secure because they probably don't need this video as much as the 00:24 Speaker A other styles do but we're going to be talking about a topic that all of the insecure styles really need some help with kind of inherently because the way that they developed a relationship around this thing was not ideal to say 00:38 Speaker A the least and that thing is boundaries so when we talk about boundaries there are about a million different definitions we could go with right i think that boundaries mean something slightly different to each person but they definitely mean something different 00:52 Speaker A to each attachment style and so today we're going to do a little bit of unpacking when it comes to how each style looks at boundaries what comes to mind when they think of the word boundaries and why they have trouble 01:03 Speaker A setting them because there is one thing that all three insecure styles have in common when it comes to boundaries in that unless they have consciously worked on it they all have a somewhat unhealthy or underdeveloped relationship to boundary setting quick sidebar by the 01:18 Speaker A way i realized the other day that i never really talk in these videos about where my information comes from or what level of education i have in this field so a lot of what i talk about with attachment styles is just stuff that i 01:28 Speaker A have been reading and consuming on my own time i'm currently writing a book that has a portion to it that involves attachment style so i've been doing a lot of research in the area and i've been working on interviewing experts in 01:38 Speaker A the field but i'm also a student of attachment theory so i'm currently doing my master's degree in attachment theory and research i am not the expert on this there are wonderful experts out there like gabor mate dan siegel the og 01:51 Speaker A attachment researchers john bolby and mary ainsworth and those are the sources that you should be turning to if you want to learn more about this field but that's just a little bit of background on my involvement in this field and my 02:01 Speaker A knowledge base is only going to continue to grow so a lot of these videos are just me talking out what i'm learning as i go and the information will absolutely change and evolve as i continue to learn more and that's a great thing it should 02:12 Speaker A always be like that and thank you guys for just being a part of that learning process with me so okay boundaries so i'm going to start with the anxiously attached style i've noticed that anxious types seem to have the most conscious 02:25 Speaker A challenge with boundaries and what i mean by that is that they have the most awareness of the three and securely attached styles of the fact that they need to be setting better boundaries but then they really really struggle with 02:36 Speaker A putting those boundaries in place and then enforcing them and this actually makes total and complete sense because the anxiously attached style never learned proper self-regulation so self-regulation is when we're able to calm ourselves down when we're upset whether that means soothing our own 02:53 Speaker A anxieties validating our own emotional experiences or problem solving on our own these are all really important tools that the anxiously attached person did not have properly modeled for them early on in life so they never really learned how to do those things without someone 03:09 Speaker A else's help so as an adult when the anxiously attached person feels an overwhelming emotion they often feel kind of like they're on fire and they need someone to help them feel differently and for some anxiously attached people this only applies to 03:23 Speaker A certain emotions so maybe they really struggle with anger and anxiety but sadness they feel okay with going off and self-soothing other anxiously attached people might feel like they can only feel happy in the presence of other people or in the presence of a partner 03:36 Speaker A so this could be somewhat selective to some emotions but generally when it comes to really strong really overpowering emotions anxiously attached people tend to experience difficulty with self-regulation now what they do know how to do is co-regulation now the 03:52 Speaker A anxiously attached style does have a very strong very visceral awareness of their emotions and that's actually a really good thing when we get to the other styles you'll see that having low emotional awareness can actually also really really kick you in the butt but 04:05 Speaker A when those strong emotions come up what they really really feel like they need unconsciously is mirroring so they need to see their emotions expressed back to them by someone else and if that someone else whether it's their parent early on 04:18 Speaker A in life or their partner later in life is unable to kind of meet them where they're at emotionally show that they understand their feeling and then help them kind of work through it calm down whatever it is they will continue to 04:29 Speaker A feel more and more distressed and often make more and more bids to get their emotions seen by their partner so maybe they approach their partner one time and try to explain their feeling and then their partner doesn't respond to it 04:40 Speaker A because maybe they're dating someone who's avoidant who has lower than average emotional awareness and so they keep kind of turning the volume up in different ways if they're not satisfied by a conversation maybe they start feeling agitated and then they start 04:51 Speaker A picking a fight just to get that negative emotion mirrored back to them in whatever way they can and again this is largely unconscious now what does this have to do with boundaries well it gives the anxiously attached person a 05:04 Speaker A specific problem when it comes to setting boundaries which is that boundaries are the things that we put around ourselves okay they're the healthy emotional barriers that we put up so that we can self-regulate behind them but the problem is that the 05:19 Speaker A anxiously attached person struggles with self-regulation so if they have boundaries up all of a sudden they don't know how to handle their own emotions so the anxiously attached person has a tendency to set boundaries and then become emotionally disregulated and 05:33 Speaker A immediately knock all of their own boundaries down because what they need which is regulation is on the other side of their boundary so there can be this kind of constant tug of war happening inside of the anxiously attached person 05:45 Speaker A where they know they need to set boundaries because maybe someone's not treating them fairly maybe there is true injustice in their relationship but they feel like they need that person in order to keep themselves emotionally okay and sometimes the kind of workaround that 05:59 Speaker A they try to do is saying they're setting a boundary when what they're really setting is an expectation so i've heard a lot of anxiously attached people in attachment groups that i frequent in attachment webinars or seminars whatever talk about how they set this boundary 06:15 Speaker A that their partner always has to say i love you before they go to sleep not realizing that that is not a boundary that is an expectation okay so if it's something that someone else has to do that is an expectation a boundary is 06:29 Speaker A about something that you do okay if all of your boundaries are expectations you will perpetually be disappointed because there is no way to enforce an expectation other than through controlling behaviors and controlling behaviors are really not a good set up for a healthy relationship 06:47 Speaker A so again if your boundary is something that someone else has to do for it to stay in place that is not a boundary a boundary is something that you will do so let's give an example here let's say 06:59 Speaker A you don't like the way that your partner is speaking to you you don't like certain words that they use that are demeaning or insulting an expectation would be you have to stop speaking to me like that right that puts all of it in 07:10 Speaker A your partner's hands a boundary would be if you speak to me using that type of language i will discontinue the conversation and walk away until we can return to the conversation in a calmer state of mind now of course this is going to feel very 07:26 Speaker A very scary and difficult as an anxiously attached person because in that state you're probably very dysregulated you need to feel your partner's love or it feels like you need to feel your partner's love in order to be okay again so it's going to be really 07:41 Speaker A hard to set that boundary and walk away until you learn to do some self-soothing so no anxiously attached person wants to hear this but the solution to your boundary setting problem actually does not lie with you learning to set better 07:54 Speaker A boundaries with other people it lies with you learning to set better boundaries with yourself okay once you can tell yourself things like i will leave every single situation that i'm in in which i'm being disrespected or spoken to unfairly once you can tell 08:08 Speaker A yourself i will show up for myself pay attention to my emotional experience and learn how to soothe myself without the help of my partner or my parent or whoever it is who i need to put that boundary between until you can learn to 08:22 Speaker A make yourself okay within your own boundaries it's going to be really really hard to enforce them and so that's where you need to start if you're anxiously attached start with setting better boundaries with yourself so learning what the feeling in your body 08:35 Speaker A is of having a boundary violated and then learning some self-soothing strategies to calm yourself down now self-soothing is tricky for anxiously attached people why because you have that negative view of self so when you're alone with yourself all of a 08:50 Speaker A sudden you're flooded with these feelings of self-hatred self-doubt self-disgust and the first step is learning how to change those feelings so if you can't do this for yourself yet i really recommend doing some inner child work so when you do inner child work you 09:05 Speaker A almost disembody yourself a little bit so that you see yourself as a child who you don't have that inherent sense of hatred towards and you think about what that child needs and this is something that i really recommend doing with 09:17 Speaker A either the help of a therapist or a support group i recently discovered the support group adult children of alcoholics which deals not just with people who grew up in alcoholic homes but people who grew up in homes where there was any sort of 09:29 Speaker A family dysfunction and they approach inner parenting and inner child work in a really cool and robust way and the groups are completely free so that's a resource that you could check out but it can be really really helpful to start 09:41 Speaker A working on that relationship with yourself developing that self compassion so that when you're in those heated moments you know that you can maintain your own boundaries because you can take care of yourself without knocking them down and that's going to be the number 09:56 Speaker A one thing that anxiously attached people have to work on when it comes to setting boundaries is learning how to be okay within the boundaries they have set now avoidance the kings and queens of thinking that they have great boundaries 10:08 Speaker A when what they are actually doing is avoiding people like the plague so i am fearful avoidant who leans strongly dismissive avoidant and for my whole life i thought that i was like a pillar of boundary setting i thought i have 10:22 Speaker A great boundaries i'm really good at attending to my own needs it doesn't bother me if i let someone down i'm okay with other people being upset at me or not liking me people can think whatever they want to think i'm fine over here 10:32 Speaker A and so there's no real reason to communicate my needs wants feelings or experiences to other people if i need some time to be alone and self-regulate i'll just take it and if that upsets other people then they should learn how 10:45 Speaker A to deal with their own emotions and that's kind of the dismissive avoidant mindset so again dismissive avoidance function under the pretense i am okay you are not okay so they believe that it is their job to take care of themselves 10:57 Speaker A and it is everyone else's job to take care of themselves and if other people can't take care of themselves that's not their problem and just like the anxious style has a very strong visceral awareness of their emotions the 11:08 Speaker A avoidance style has a very strong and persistent awareness of how to keep themselves okay and self-regulated okay so both of these types are pretty good at one thing and completely lack awareness of the other thing and when it 11:19 Speaker A comes to avoidant types what they lack awareness about is the fact that they need to communicate their boundaries or else they are not boundaries they are just glorified ghosting protocols now the dismissive avoidant unlike the anxious style is not naturally great at 11:35 Speaker A recognizing what they're feeling and what their needs are so when what they need is to set a boundary what they often experience emotionally is simply a feeling of extreme overwhelm or maybe even judgment towards another person like this person really really needs to 11:50 Speaker A take care of their own emotions because they're putting a lot of them on me and all of those emotions that overwhelm that distress that judgment of others is actually your brain as a dismissive avoidant trying to alert you to the need 12:03 Speaker A to set a boundary and what you will naturally want to do is just slank away unnoticed right you want to just kind of check out leave the other person to deal with their emotions which you may have rightfully identified don't have that 12:14 Speaker A much to do with you and then you want to retreat to take care of your own emotions now the end part of this process is good the middle part is a mess okay the middle part is the part 12:24 Speaker A where you can communicate to someone else this is what's going wrong this is what i'm uncomfortable with this is what's not okay to me and this is what i need to be different in order for me to re-engage with this 12:37 Speaker A situation and then you are free to go and self-soothe okay that's what setting a boundary is and the reason this is important is because if you do not set boundaries you end up in the same situation with increasing intensity 12:53 Speaker A over and over and over again and if you are a da you probably often do so if someone tries to get your attention one time and you kind of ghost back away ignore hope they deal with it chances 13:05 Speaker A are they're going to try again later with increasing intensity because you never told them what your boundaries were and doing so is hard work because for you to know what and where your boundaries are you have to be aware of 13:18 Speaker A what emotions are coming up and that's something that you have never really learned to do so there will absolutely be work that you need to do in this area just like the anxious style needs to work on self-soothing you need to work 13:30 Speaker A on sensitizing yourself to your emotional experience so that when you're feeling overwhelmed when you're feeling stressed out when you're feeling incapable of dealing with a situation because it's so emotionally loaded you can speak up for yourself in the moment 13:45 Speaker A and explain your discomfort in a way that actually helps resolve the situation rather than just kicking the can down the road by backing out of it and hoping it takes care of itself and i feel annoyed and overwhelmed is like 13:58 Speaker A layer one of your emotional experience right layer two of your emotional experience is probably i feel incapable of dealing with this level of emotionality and that makes me feel uncomfortable inadequate scared maybe and maybe there's a need behind 14:16 Speaker A that maybe what you need is some time and space to think about what's happening and to decide what you want to do and that's a need that you can communicate maybe what you need is for someone to actually ask some questions 14:27 Speaker A about what's going on in your head and to help you work through it and figure it out whether that's the person standing in front of you or a friend who you can contact once you've taken that space that you need but in order for you 14:36 Speaker A to start setting boundaries that actually work and solve the problem one time instead of returning to it over and over and over you have to be willing to show up recognize your own internal experience and communicate it clearly to the other 14:51 Speaker A person or people involved and a really good tool for learning to do this is non-violent communication so non-violent communication you can pick up a book on you can go to there's like a million training seminars on it and what 15:03 Speaker A non-violent communication is is a system that helps you identify what's going on when you're in conflict and how to phrase it effectively so it encourages you to go one step deeper than the feelings of annoyance or overwhelm and 15:17 Speaker A frustration and really pinpoint what's underneath those feelings what need is being unmet and how can you communicate that need in a way that the other person will actually respond effectively to because telling someone that their emotion is invalid or crazy or an 15:34 Speaker A overreaction even if those things are true and i'm gonna give you some credit they might be is not going to get you the response you want okay using a tool like non-violent communication that can help you understand and then phrase what 15:49 Speaker A your wants and needs are is going to go a much much longer way than just telling yourself that the entire conflict doesn't make any sense so you should just bow out now of course there are situations where this works but there 16:01 Speaker A are lots of situations where it doesn't work especially any situation where you're going to have repeated contact with someone whether that's a parent a partner a colleague a boss if you have repeated interactions with someone all of the unresolved interactions that you 16:16 Speaker A slunk away from are gonna constantly come back up in some form unless and until you learn to communicate around them so your pathway to setting boundaries as a dismissive avoidant is actually the opposite of the anxious pathway the anxious pathway involves 16:30 Speaker A learning to retreat and self-soothe the avoidant pathway lies in showing up and learning to give your needs a voice every time i film an attachment video i get through anxious and then avoidant and then when it's fearful avoiding time i need to go 16:45 Speaker A take a giant coffee and chug it before i can start talking because it is such a big one every single time and also just takes a long time to film these videos but um give me a moment here i'm having my 16:58 Speaker A fearful avoidant coffee and then we will chat about what you guys do let's talk about the fearful avoidant so fearful avoidance has a really interesting relationship to boundaries which all the types do but fearful avoidant in particular has the awareness 17:16 Speaker A of boundaries so deeply buried in their psyche it is almost absurd so what that means is that from a very young age fearful avoidance tended to learn that in relationships you are not supposed to have any boundaries you're not supposed 17:30 Speaker A to have any of your own needs any of your own feelings you can only have those things if you deal with them on your own now what that means is that when a fearful avoidant gets into a relationship they believe it's time for 17:45 Speaker A me to have no boundaries okay so they have this kind of discrepancy where when they are in avoidance mode so often when they're on their own when they're out of relationship they think now i can do whatever i want i can tend to my own 17:57 Speaker A needs i can do my own thing i can avoid the people in situations that i don't want to get involved in but when i'm in a relationship i should and the anxious style shares this belief i should have 18:08 Speaker A no boundaries between me and the other person and i should give them whatever they want from me whenever they want it from me so that i can get love in return now where this differs from the anxious style is that the anxious style is going 18:21 Speaker A down that highway kind of full force okay so they believe the only way to get my needs met is to have them met by another person so i have to full force pursue this other person and panic if 18:31 Speaker A it's not working out the fearful avoidant driving down the same highway the other person needs to fulfill my needs highway but they have one eye on every single exit sign along the way because they believe if i take one of 18:43 Speaker A those exits it will lead me directly to a place where i can go into avoidance mode and meet my own needs so what you get when you're in a relationship as a fearful avoidant is this feeling that you must have no boundaries you must 18:57 Speaker A constantly attend to your partner however if you are to leave the relationship then you get to meet your own needs then you get to self-sued then you get to do whatever you want so fearful avoidance often have chronic 19:08 Speaker A fantasies about leaving their relationship now this is different than the anxious style who might have fantasies about causing a big blow up where they threaten to leave their partner and then their partner chases after them and they go wait wait come 19:21 Speaker A back i love you right the fearful avoidant has fantasies where they actually leave the relationship never see their partner again and live happily on their own or with someone else or whatever and after a while the fearful avoidant begins to really truly 19:34 Speaker A believe these fantasies and think i would be better off if i were on my own because in my fantasies i am so happy i am not attending to another person's needs i am not in conflict all the time 19:45 Speaker A i'm living in a fun independent interesting way and then they start to blame the relationship for the things that they can't have so instead of trying to cultivate more freedom or more excitement or more joy within their relationship they just go oh this person 20:00 Speaker A is the reason why i can't have those things instead of talking to their partner about what some of their unmet needs are they inherently figure you can't do that you can't express your own needs so you have to accept whatever is 20:11 Speaker A happening in the relationship and then you can just fantasize about how good it's going to be once you're gone and in many ways this is a self-fulfilling prophecy okay so a lot of fearful avoidance because they so deeply believe 20:22 Speaker A because they often came from very enmeshed families where their needs were completely intertwined with someone else's needs and they weren't allowed to have boundaries they believe it is bad for me to have boundaries i'm a bad person if i try to set them therefore 20:36 Speaker A they let everything go as soon as they're in a relationship like when they're alone maybe they're really hard workers or they're really disciplined with their diet and exercise routine or they are really good at self-care but then as soon as they get into a 20:49 Speaker A relationship they might let those things go and allow this kind of self-fulfilling prophecy to take place where they believe that relationships make you worse off weaker less productive whatever it is and then that fuels their fantasy life where they're 21:02 Speaker A gone and they can do all of those things again so if you are fearful avoidant and this is a pattern that you recognize yourself falling into you have to do the work of proving yourself wrong so if you 21:14 Speaker A are in a relationship you have to do the same work that the avoidant style has to do of showing up and stating your boundaries and stating your needs and talking about what isn't going right for you and where you can pull that 21:27 Speaker A awareness from is your fantasies so in these fantasies where you have left the relationship what are you doing what is different what are you feeling those fantasies are giving you a window into your unmet needs and if you can 21:42 Speaker A find a way to bring those needs into the relationship and find a way to satisfy them without leaving your entire worldview around relationships is gonna start shifting so i used to always tell myself that if i'm out of a relationship 21:58 Speaker A i can be really disciplined with my health and my career but as soon as i'm in a relationship my partner whoever that partner is and it happened in multiple relationships will derail all of those things so what happened as soon 22:10 Speaker A as i got into any relationship completely unconsciously i would start avoiding conflict of any sort by adapting myself to my partner's needs my own needs would go out the window and then one day i would look at my partner 22:23 Speaker A and go oh my god you're the reason why i have gained 10 pounds or fallen behind in my career or whatever it was and i had to learn to be strict with myself within a partnership about attending to 22:35 Speaker A my health habits attending to my work letting my partner know how much space i need and that's a hard one for fearful avoidance right we are avoidant types we need a lot of alone time but we often feel like we can't ask for it in 22:50 Speaker A relationships so as a fearful avoidant in order to set proper boundaries you have to start being willing to notice when you need alone time and to ask for it you don't have to wait until you're out of a relationship to have some 23:04 Speaker A freaking alone time and some freedom okay you're supposed to have those things within a relationship you just grew up in an enmesh dynamic where that wasn't true but as an adult it's allowed to be true you're allowed to spend lots 23:15 Speaker A of time with your friends you're allowed to go on vacation by yourself you are allowed to take a normal and healthy sense of independence from your partner you just have to learn to be aware of when you need that and then to set that 23:28 Speaker A boundary and this might show up as a challenge for you even if you're not in a relationship so it might be your work that you need to set those boundaries with it might be your friendships or your family relationships but the idea 23:38 Speaker A is to do away with that dichotomy you have in your brain that tells you i can either be free on my own or i can be enmeshed and boundary-less around other people and learn i can have relationships where i also have freedom 23:52 Speaker A and autonomy and independence or i can be alone romantically but i can still have fulfilling emotionally healthy and emotionally intimate friendships or family relationships or whatever it is but what's gonna be really really important for you is just paying 24:06 Speaker A attention to your fantasies at every step of the way and noticing even if the fantasy is ridiculous like for example i can't sing okay but i have fantasies where i am singing like champagne problems by taylor swift no one none of 24:20 Speaker A you ever repeat this anywhere this is so embarrassing i have fantasies where i'm like singing champagne problems by taylor swift to a large enthusiastic crowd and they're all singing along with me and it's like okay what is that 24:32 Speaker A fantasy right it seems ridiculous but let's break it down i am singing a sad song about my distress and other people are singing it with me that is emotional mirroring right there is a part of me that feels distressed and sad and 24:47 Speaker A freaked out and it wants to communicate that and have it mirrored back to me okay so now i know that i probably need that in one of my close relationships there is something some sort of pain or challenge i'm going through that i 25:01 Speaker A really really want someone to see recognize and reflect back to me so that i feel less alone so now i need to figure out which relationship is it that's feeling like that and how can i communicate that need so that the real 25:14 Speaker A need gets fulfilled not just through fantasy and by the way any type can do this so all types have fantasies some have more or less of them than others but they are always telling you something about a need you just have to 25:26 Speaker A pay attention to what is the feeling i get in this fantasy okay not what's happening but what am i feeling in it am i feeling seen and understood am i feeling free and independent and untethered all of our fantasies are telling us 25:42 Speaker A something very important about an unfulfilled need and if we can pay attention to that and then find a way to get that actual need fulfilled it can revolutionize our life okay it can help us live in a completely different way 25:56 Speaker A but first we have to learn to take those feelings seriously notice them even if they're only showing up in our fantasies and then do something about them in real life and again the same tools that are going to help the anxiously attached 26:09 Speaker A person and the avoidantly attached person for you as a fearful avoidant are gonna come in handy so you probably need to do some re-parenting work you probably could stand to use non-violent communication tools to make your needs a 26:20 Speaker A little bit more apparent and known to other people both of those tools could be really really big helps to you but the important part is breaking down that dichotomy in your mind between being alone and being free to do whatever you 26:30 Speaker A want and being in a relationship and being trapped okay that does not need to be true you can feel all things in either situation and that's what it means to be secure right secure people feel like within a relationship they do 26:43 Speaker A not lose their sense of self so they're comfortable within a relationship and outside of a relationship they also know who they are and what they want and what they love in life so they feel comfortable on their own and that's 26:54 Speaker A where each style needs to aim to end up is in that secure place where they know who they are on their own they know who they are in a relationship and they can communicate their needs in either situation so i think that for today 27:06 Speaker A that's all i have to say about boundaries there's obviously a lot more i could talk about on this topic so if you guys have specific questions i am very very happy to expand on this series just let me know what you feel like 27:18 Speaker A would be helpful for you and where you're still struggling with this in your life it's a really really hard one it is kind of the holy grail of attachment work is figuring out how to set boundaries and how to live happily 27:30 Speaker A within those boundaries and if you can get to a better place with this it's going to be really huge in your healing so let me know where you're at in this process where you're aiming to get to and as always i love you guys and i will 27:43 Speaker A see you again soon [Music] you Topics: attachment styles boundaries anxious attachment avoidant attachment fearful avoidant self-regulation co-regulation emotional mirroring inner child work relationships Study this video - [Flashcards from this video](https://sozai.app/tools/flashcard-maker/?from=transcript&id=90141) - [Quiz on this video](https://sozai.app/tools/quiz-generator/?from=transcript&id=90141) - [Crossword from this video](https://sozai.app/tools/crossword-maker/?from=transcript&id=90141) - [Word search from this video](https://sozai.app/tools/word-search-maker/?from=transcript&id=90141) - [Study guide from this 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